This is hard. I don’t really know who I am anymore. Every day that I struggle with infertility is a day I struggle with my identity. I can’t give you the Who anymore, nor can I say How I got to this place and god know I ask Why every day. It’s pretty sorry for a journalist to strike out on three of the five W’s. I can give you some Whats, Whens, and Wheres. You can decide if they add up to anything. If you get an answer, do let me know!
— I am 36 years old; I was born in Massachusetts in 1971.
–I met my husband in 1994 in South Carolina (tho he is from Kansas). We began dating immediately and married in 1998.
–We threw out the birth control pills in October 2003.
–I got my first and only BFP in July 2004.
–I miscarried on Friday, August 13, 2004, the day Hurricane Charley devastated my state, Florida. We live in a beach town, and the Weather Channel’s skinny line had the Category 4 storm coming straight into our town. So we evacuated that morning. That day, as Charley took a sharp eastward turn a few hours, sparing our home, I began to bleed. We lost the baby. And now I can never hear about Charley, or any hurricane evac plans, without remembering. And when you live in Florida, hurricane evac is a hot topic of conversation year-round.
–Went on clomid for four cycles in spring of 2005.
–Had a lap in August 2005. Found mild endo, possibly blocked tubes.
–Had HSG in September 2005. Trace spillage; docs split on what that meant.
–January 5, 1006, my nephew Braylon was born.
–Jan 16, 2006, we were forst told IVF was our “only chance.” Did first b/w that day for IVF #1, since it was, coincidentally CD2. Was it a good sign? Whatever.
–March, transferred three “perfect” embies — BFN. Doctors stunned.
–July/August, transferred three more perfect embies, went on lovenox, BFN. Doctors stunned.
— Changed docs, November/December, transferred three more perfect embies, BFN. Doctors stunned. This time we had four make it to freeze.
–January 2007, consulted with docs at Cornell, made the switch.
–April/May 2007, transferred three more perfect embies into the dead zone that is my uterus, bfn. Doctors stunned.
–Went into deep depression. Started taking antidepressants and sleeping pills, went to a few counseling sessions.
–October, went off all meds in preparation for IVF number five.
–November, waiting for AF so we can get this show on the road. I think we must be crazy.
So that’s my ttc history. I’ve heard that some people think there’s life outside of ttc and ivf. It’s a nice rumor. Here are some facts about my so-called life outside ttc.
–Newspaper copy editor in features dept.
–Live at the beach.
–Adore dogs, especially my own two. I have a peke-a-poo named Nicky and a retreiver-chow named Samantha. They are the roulette duo, he’s black and she’s red.
–Like cats too, though not as much as dogs. I have three cats, Olivia, Daphne, and Max.
–Went to Michigan State University.
–Am small, though I don’t usually notice it myself unless standing next to someone huge. But other people tend to remark on it. I’m 5’3 (almoooost) and weigh about 108.
–Addicted to hair dye, and change my hair color often. I like red.
–I’m a bookworm. But like Helene Hanff, I tend to read the same favorite books over and over until I have them memorized, so there’s a lot out there I haven’t read. Unlike Helene, I like novels.
–People think I like chocolate a lot more than I do. I mean, I like it. I love it. But I don’t eat it every day, nor do I eat it in large quantities. Though I will say, I am completely capable of destroying a plate a brownies in one sitting, if the situation is right.
–I’m vivacious, but also shy. Sometimes at the same time.
–I like to shop, but prefer shopping alone, not in packs.
–If I had more money I would travel a lot. As it is, I have gotten to see most of the places high on my list to see before I die: Parthenon, Greek isles, London, New York, Rome. Still to see: Grand Canyon, giant redwoods.
–I like 80s music, pop, new wave, even country, all of it.
–Am very family-oriented, which is unfortunate since I can’t have my own family — and the rest of my family is busy doing their own thing.
–Am very friend-oriented, also unfortunate, since I don’t make friends easily and tend to have only a few at a time.
–I bite my nails.
–Actually, I bite the skin around my nails, causing rough fingers and hangnails. Yuck. When I’m not chewing on myself, I actually have nice nails. Bizarre.
–I like foliage, but I hate gardening.
–I like cooking for parties better than I like cooking for two.
–I like to fix up old, broken furniture and am not above dumpster diving to find raw material. Garage sales and junk shops are easier though.
–I am the oldest of three children, and a big believer in birth-order theories.
–I am a meat-eater.
–I used to believe that there was a reason for everything, even if we couldn’t see what that reason is.
–Now I don’t believe that. I don’t think things happen for any reason at all. They just happen, and you have to deal.
–I am more mechanically inclined than most people would guess. I can put fix doorknobs, and I built my sleep number bed all by myself.
–I’m cheap, but will pay for quality.
–I’m infertile. Oh, sorry, this was the non-ttc list. But — that fact informs my whole life. It is who I am now, and even if (when?) I have my own family, that won’t change.