Posted by: katedaphne | July 19, 2010

Another babymaking fail

Well, I guess I’m not here much anymore. I discovered I’m not terribly interested in doing a parenting blog. There are a million of them out there, and I am more into just living the life than chronicling it, I guess.

But here’s some non-parenting, all-infertility-related news:

Just had a frigging chemical pregnancy. Miscarrying now, as we speak.

Dammit!

I thought we were DONE with this IF road….

We weren’t trying, obviously. But we weren’t preventing, either.
My doctor and a few moms in the twin club have asked me what birth control we are using since the koala bear and the monkey were born. I just give them an incredulous look. Really? Birth control? After what we’ve been through? Not really worried about birth control, actually.

So, yeah, a few weeks of weirdness, and then a few positive pee stix. A beta, 88. So am told to wait a week (a WEEK! oh, get me an RE for the love of god…).

So we spend a week visualizing life with THREE kids 20 months and younger. We already are planning to move to a bigger house — but it would have to be a LOT bigger for three kids (this place is pretty darn tiny). A week of thinking, if this is real, we are SO f—–, but yet, so glad. We decided to call it a Happy Nightmare.

And then, a second beta, 23.

Two days later, my period, and it is a doozy. Ugh.
I’d like to not think about this but with these cramps from hell, how can you not?

We have decided, this type of loss, at this time in our lives, is still pretty devastating. Every little life is precious. We didn’t want any more children, but when this one seemed to be coming to us — we wanted him. (see? we knew better. but we gave him a gender anyway.)

What does make it a bit less bad is that such a loss does not come accompanied by the fear/confusion/etc of personal identity as it does for someone with primary infertility. this loss is as real as any we experienced. but we are freed of the fears — this loss doesn’t mean i may never be a mom. I AM a mom. I don’t get to be THAT BABY’S mom, and that makes me sad. He would’ve been a cool person, I am sure. The world lost a good one, I think. But my life still does consist of being the mom of someone (two someones) who are here now.

For that, I am one freaking lucky person.
I know it.

I wish the universe would let me off this crazy train of infertility. I want to forget about it and carry on with my life. But every time I think I’m out, it keeps pulling me back in.

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Responses

  1. I am really sorry, that is just awful.

  2. I’m very sorry.

  3. I am so very sorry–what an unfair loss.

  4. oh its always ppulls you back in, honestly when we are 50 is that when it will be done because we will basically be too old (to me anyway)? its hard, I am happy but get sucked in, I guess there’s no way around it, infertile just drags you in for all your fertile years.

  5. I’m sorry. Although it is good to hear from you, I am sorry this is the reason.

    I keep my blog going barely mostly because of DE. Someone may want to see a happy DE ending for someone who really had a hard time going that route.

    As far as pulling you back? Well, we are done too and I know we won’t get pg again, but I still feel it. I go to parks early to avoid the fertiles because being around them still causes me stress. I still want to get pg easily with my eggs. I sometimes even think about what I could do with the $70,000 we spent on IF. A bigger house is usually the answer.

    Can you beat a 1000 sq ft, 2 bed one bath house? πŸ˜‰

    Take care Kate. I hope both babies are doing really well.

  6. Hon, I am so very sorry.

    xx

    g

  7. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have your girls, but a loss is still a loss.

  8. Katepdaphne: I just stumbled upon your blog and although I am sad to read about this experience, it’s inspiring for couples like me and my hubby who are looking into IVF and other fertility treatments to start a family. You are not alone. Hugs and hope that you are feeling better. All the best to your two kids ❀

  9. I’m so sorry to hear your news. The fact that it happened quickly doesn’t make it any easier … I know what a crazy train it is, and I wish you could get off of it for a while. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  10. So terribly sorry for your loss, we also experienced a devastating loss recently…I know how hard it can be to be hopeful at times. Praying that you’re given the support & strength you need at this point. Thinking of you!

  11. I am so, so sorry. Sending hugs and love your way…

  12. Oh no 😦 I’m sorry. Sending *hugs*

  13. I’m sorry honey. No matter how much of a happy nightmare it was the loss still stings a lot I’m sure.

    HUGS to you.

    (LFCA)

  14. I am sorry

  15. Loss is loss. And it sucks. I’m really sorry. 😦

  16. here from LFCA. I am so sorry for this loss. It is always so heartbreaking. Sending love your way.

  17. Stopping by from LFCA, so sorry for this, it’s not any easier just because you have children already. Big hugs.

    Fran

  18. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t stand people who suggested that we would ever get pregnant after the twins were born. I was like, what part of 6 IVFs and a surrogate do you not understand? Well, you know what happened. I guess we can all just really never know what comes out of all this. But it’s so unfair to have to have an unexpected surprise and then unexpected loss. I’m really, really sorry. 😦

  19. Oh, Erin, that sucks. I’m so sorry.

  20. Hi Kate – I’m not sure if you check your blog much anymore, but I saw your comment on Eileen’s blog from a couple of months ago when she had her m/c when the twins were still little, so I thought I would check out your situation as well. I am so sorry about the m/c! I actually just had the same thing happen. And we too are infertility people, several IVF’s to get our girls, laughed at the thought of birth control after they were born (the OB didn’t even suggest it). I was having a hard time figuring out what I should feel, but I think between your blog and Eileen’s I see that I am in good company.
    Anyway, I hope you are well, and thank you for blooging about your loss. Apparently this happens quite a bit more often than is talked about. . .so sad!
    Megan


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