Posted by: katedaphne | December 25, 2009

A thought, and a merry Christmas

Last night I had an epiphany of sorts. After Baby M was in bed, Mike and I were hanging out on Christmas Eve. I called the hospital to find out how Baby A was doing. The nurse, Carmen, said they had been watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” together and that baby had just fallen asleep. It was a good report and I thanked her and rang off.

Then, cried a little, because I missed baby so much and wanted her with me, sitting next to our Christmas tree. *I* wanted to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with her.

And I thought of two and three Christmases ago, when we had a chemical and a BFN. I cried and cried on those those days. And you know what? The tears I cried last night felt just the same as the ones I cried those years ago. It was such a strange thought I almost stopped crying!

I mean, intellectually I know — this Christmas is WAY better. I have BABIES, for goodness sake!! But the sadness for A’s heart, and for not having her with me — it’s not an intellectual thing. I could tell myself this year was better, but I didn’t *feel* better at all.

And now I wonder, is this the way it is to suffer secondary infertility? To tell yourself, “yes, I’m a mom and I have a child,” but yet to still feel that same sadness? As a sufferer of primary infertility I could never really relate  — how could I, when *I* wasn’t and might never be a mom? And yet, and yet… I think a small part of me gets it now.

Still, the intellect doesn’t lie. It’s still better to have one than none, and this year IS better for me, because I got to open presents with one baby this morning and am going to go visit the other one real soon. And that’s no small thing.

And now, the lyrics to a favorite Christmas song of mine:

Welcome Christmas

Welcome Christmas come this way
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas, Christmas day
Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus
Welcome, welcome dahoo damus
Christmas day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp

Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas bring your cheer
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome all Whos far and near
Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus
Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
Christmas day will always be
Just so long as we have we
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas bring your light
(hum next two lines…)
Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome Christmas, Christmas day
Welcome Christmas, fahoo ramus
Welcome Christmas, dahoo damus
Welcome Christmas while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand

Fahoo fores dahoo dores
Welcome welcome Christmas Day…
Welcome, welcome Christmas day

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Responses

  1. merr christmas. I understand. WE did the 5 IVF, lost one and try 4. Now I have my awesome little girl from Guatemala, but I mourn for all the time I missed with her, I waslucky and after the whole thing fell apart done there I was able to live there for the last 8months, but by the time we got home she was almost 17 months old and I mourn for not just havign her at home with us. so absolutely it is fantastic to have her and I have a child but there is still the sadness and sickness that come from crappy infertility.

  2. wow, I don’t know what to say, except that I hope your new year is filled with all the beautiful times and memories it should be. That Baby A comes home and your family is in one house, complete.
    I know that the xmas before I had the twins that I was just happy to be on the other side of 33 weeks, and when they came in Jan. I was so happy, but sad too. I’m sad even today, because IF gives you such a crappy hand that happiness always seems like the “WRONG” feeling. Like the shoe will drop if you allow it in.
    I understand and wish you less of it.
    HUGS 🙂

  3. Interesting thoughts and musings, as always KateDaphne. I wish I had more insightful things to say, but you seem to have such a great grip on this.

  4. I read this back shortly after you wrote it. But my internet time has been so limited that I didn’t take time to comment. I guess I just want to say that in the recent past I have had a softer heart toward secondary IF gals myself. I like to think of it as personal growth. Maybe we can have an enlightened club or something? 😉

  5. Kate, I can’t even tell you how much this post hit home for me tonight…was thinking about infertility all day for some reason (it’s been a while since I let it dictate my emotions all day). You know our situations are different, but there is something about not getting knocked up the old fashioned way like the rest of society and feeling “normal” ever again. Twins or not, it still makes you feel a bit broken and angry. When will it ever stop? Menopause? Not sure what the answer is there, but I feel you this eve all the way on the west coast and hope that you find some comfort in those sweet baby miracles of yours. Mine are making excuses to get out of bed as we speak and as I type I have a glimpse of relief from the infertility monster that haunts me!! Love ya, gotta go on that note! xoxoxo A

  6. Screw enlightenment! If anyone thinks secondary is as bad as primary didn’t really suffer the first time around.

    Of course it is sad and maybe the initial result of a BFN or miscarriage is the same, but the overall picture just isn’t.

    If Ernest had lived and we had as much trouble having the second as we did having LB I probably would have said secondary IF was worse. I never really even thought of myself as infertile back then – just “having a bit of trouble” so I appreciate it is all in the mind of the beholder.

    Mostly I am very sorry you didn’t have both your babies home for Christmas.

  7. I don’t know how you’re doing it. I will say a prayer for your baby to be well soon and for you to have the peace you deserve.

    T

  8. Hi! My friend Kelley McDonald suggested I read your articles and blog after finding out I’ve been battling IF. This post just hit home for me. Last Christmas day, I went in for an egg retrieval to have nothing. We were so optimistic and so damn naive. What made it even harder was living overseas in Japan so far away from family and close friends. My husband wrote a short story about it called The Lost Noel that I discovered later and it just about broke my heart – as did this. But you have a happy ending and that’s what keeps me going – we are not giving up and are hoping for our happy ending. We are back in the USA and are researching clinics and hope to start TTC with the help of science again after the new year. Thank you for sharing your story… it helps 🙂


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