Posted by: katedaphne | December 23, 2009

Not exactly a comfort

Battling infertility, you hear a lot of ignorant comments — the kind that are meant to be helpful but are really nothing of the kind.

“Just relax.”
“Just adopt.”
“You’ll get pregnant if you just adopt.”

To the list, I would like to add the comment that really gets my goat as a heart baby momma:

“Don’t worry — she’ll never remember any of this.”

While technically true, it does not comfort me in the least. In fact, it strikes me as criminally insensitive. Sure, she won’t remember spending months in the hospital (including her first Christmas). She won’t remember having all these operations, she won’t remember having countless IVs inserted and removed, she won’t remember being poked and prodded and messed with and drugged, etc. etc. etc.

BUT — she is experiencing these things right now. Doesn’t now count?! It makes me so sad that she has to face all this. I don’t want her to have to suffer any of this. *I* wouldn’t want to go through this. Why would I want my baby to? Remembering it is not the point. This is her LIFE. And I just wish she had a happier, easier one. Is that so wrong? We don’t tell adults going through tough times that in five years they will have forgotten all about it. Why do people think of  infants so callously?

Luckily, she is a pretty tough little cookie. She is one of those people who is able to bear up with a smile. She takes whatever is dished out to her and never holds a grudge. She doesn’t whine and rarely cries. She’s really a trouper and I admire her tremendously.

That said, I still wish her babyhood was a more pleasant one.



  1. Big hugs and thoughts to you and both your girls. You are right, she won’t remember it, but that is cold comfort because it still happened and you were there, too.



  2. I am wishing for a better babyhood with you.

  3. I am not in that situation, but my jaw still dropped at that comment. Like you said, she is still going through it. One brain development book I read talked about how repeated experience has an impact on someone even if they don’t remember it. But like you said, it still hurts her now and I am sure she misses you when you aren’t there.

    Glad you are home now.

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