Posted by: katedaphne | December 17, 2009

Still here

Yep, I am still here. Still infertile, too, though I have baby twin girls which helps me not mind so much. Sorry have been away so long — gosh, the girls are 4 1/2 months old now! It has been a wonderful but very difficult four months. My resolution though, is to make time to write a little something daily, or at least several times a week. Though I have the babies now, this is still the blog of an infertile. As opposed to a parenting blog. I will for sure mention the babies, likely in every post. But it won’t be primarily about them, it’ll be about me.

So, my little Heart Baby is having her second big surgery tomorrow a.m. As a mom, I am scared scared scared. I have trust and faith in the surgeon and all the other doctors, and I know it is the right thing to do. But it is still scary as hell. Especially as an infertile. We IFers KNOW that for every “95% success rate” that there is someone living in that other 5%. For years, it was me. Now, they are operating on my little girl, and the procedure has a 5% mortality rate. Meaning, there’s a 5% chance she could DIE in there or that something catastrophically bad, like a massive stroke, could happen. I don’t THINK it will happen to her. But as an infertile, I know that those things don’t just happen to “other people.” They can happen to me. As a mom, I need to keep the faith. These two personas are pulling me apart tonight, I have a massive headache.

I have been slowly dipping my toe into the CHD — congenital heart defect — blog/twitter community.  I thought once I had babies I wouldn’t have to think about so much medical stuff. I mean, I am pretty much an expert, as are most of you, on the human reproductive system. I was SO ready not to be thinking of all that all the time. But now, I am forced to become an expert on the cardiovascular system too. If CHD has its own version of the Strrip Queens, I haven’t found it yet. But there’s a lot out there, and the stories are heartbreaking, and inspiring. Just like in our ALI community. Eventually I’ll add some CHD blogs to my blogroll, and I hope you’ll join me in clicking over to some of them now and then.

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Responses

  1. great to hear from you again. I will be sending many good thoughts your way for your little girl. Believe me I understand the stats and percentages, yes I had a 97% of having a baby with in the year, guess what no baby after 5 IVF series. Still even tiny babies feel your vibe so think some good thoughts!

  2. Glad to have you back. Sad your little girlie needs surgery. Glad you’re an informed mama. Sad you can’t abandon your unpaid medical apprenticeship. Did I mention I’m glad to have you back?

  3. Welcome back.
    Sending you both good vibes for tomorrow:).

  4. There you are! Thinking of you and your little ones today… sending all the good juju I can find.

    Welcome back!

  5. Wow. Thanks for sharing your new journey. I don’t know why, but it didn’t occur to me how you will now become and expert on CHD. Relating it to IF helps me understand a little better about what it is like for you.

    My thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Oh, wait, this was from yesterday! I hope everything went really well. Please let us know.

  6. I am delighted to get an update. The silence made me terrified the worst had happened.

    crossing everything for the surgery.

    xx

    g


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