Posted by: katedaphne | April 20, 2009

Come on in, the water’s f……

As you may have gathered by now, I am not really the type who dips her toe in tentatively and then decides whether or not to jump in. Nope, I just dive in.

So, after 21 weeks and six days of being pregnant, I made my first purchse for the girls today.

No, I didn’t go out and get a onesie or two, or a pair of cute little matching outfits.

I bought four bags of 0-3 month clothes from a neighbor off Craigslist for 50 bucks.

Four BAGS of baby girl clothes.

They frighten me. I have them all laid out in a pile on the chair now, I had to touch and look at each piece. Now I keep kind of sliding my eyes over that way and checking them out from the side. Like I’m scared to look at them straight on. Which, I guess I am.

They ARE cute though, very sweet.

Had a checkup with the fetal cardiologist last week. No news — which is good news. Everything still seems to be okay in there. Took for freaking EVER to get in and out of there because the girls were absolutely LOOPY. They were little acrobats, spinning around in there. The sono tech was despairing of ever getting all the photos she needed because they were just moving around so much. If that’s how they act when they are born — ie, when they have more space, more ground to cover — then I am in trouble!

We got tours of the NICU and the CV ICU (cardio vascular icu), so that was good. Nice to see where we’ll be. Where A will be. Everyone we met seems really nice and caring and helpful. I hope it stays this way.

I am trying so hard to spend my energy believing we’ll get through this. But I can’t tell you how hard this is. It is even harder than holding all my molecules together during an IVF cycle. Most of the timei DO think we’ll be okay.

Scared though. Scared they’ll be too premature — and that therefore A will be too small for surgery. It is a pretty straightforward thing — if she is born too early, and therefore too small, she’ll die. I am not allowed to say the words out loud — it freaks people (dh, mom, etc) out. But — it is true. I think about it sometimes, and I fear it.

Then, when I’m convinced she’ll be born okay and get to teh surgery, I’m afraid it will be too much for her. With a mortality rate of 4% per operation, the odds are of course in our favor. But there are babies in that 4%, of course. They had names, and were just as loved as A is. I can’t just act like they don’t exist, because I know they do. I hope A is luckier, stronger, whatever she needs to be. But, still, I fear….

So I haven’t been able to do much tangibly to get ready for the babies’ arrival (though dh is nesting like crazy, I love it and he is getting a lot done). I guess I’ll have to order the cribs at some point….

In the meantime … four bags of clothes. One small step for a fertile, a giant leap for infertilekind.



  1. Promise me you’ll post pictures of the nursery once you have it set up. Puhleeeease?? [pouty lip]

    I am thinking of you and DH and the babies. Hoping and praying that your baby A is not in the 4% and hoping that in spite of everything she turns out to be the perfect, normal, happy, and healthy little girl you deserve.

  2. I am seriously considering starting with only one crib, since I expect them to want to sleep together for a few months. My friend with twins said I could even get away with just a bassinet or Pack n Play for a few months. Partly to save space initially, and because I can’t put cribs together myself while pregnant (DH is not the handy type), and because of the fear of coming home to two cribs with only one baby.

    You should feel free to say the words out loud here as much as you need to. I for one don’t believe that saying it makes it so, and I think it’s important to wrap your mind around all the possibilities while still, of course, hoping for the best.

    You will get through this.

  3. That was a amazing first step (and a mighty good deal)! It does feel so odd to start planning and acquiring things for the one (or in your case, two) we’ve been waiting for, and whose arrival still doesn’t feel like a done deal.

    I’m waiting to get a crib until after the birth, just because I have no idea what routine will be best for all of us. But I’m only carrying a singleton; it’s a different call with twins. I’m also cheap. 🙂

    Sometimes just naming fear and recognizing it helps. Though I’d be terrified and heartsick, too, in your shoes, I’m glad the odds are so good. A’s got way more than a fighting chance, and if she takes after her intrepid folks…

  4. Yes. And this is ok.

  5. I’m going to start with one crib. At 30 weeks today (and deliverying at 35) I better get it soon!

    I’ve gotten lots of clothes at swap meets and my shower on the weekend. But I cant bring myself to wash them or remove tags. Its too big of a step. I really want to see the cute girls clothes!

    It sounds like both girls are very active and things are looking great for A!

  6. To babysmiling, my twins were born at 38 weeks and they shared a co-sleeper (the kind you can attach to the bed, we didn’t…just used it like a pack ‘n play) until they were 12 weeks old. They could have gone longer, but we wanted to move them out of our room. They shared a crib for the next 2 months until one started rolling and the other didn’t.

    Kate- Good deal on the clothes!!! When people ask you what you need, say diapers. You’ll never have enough. I have a friend that just had a preemie born with CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia ) & hemophilia. While not the same thing A has, it is about the same road (although the hemophilia will make surgeries that much harder.) Anyway, here is her blog: I’ve known her for almost (yikes) 25 years!

  7. Those four bags of clothes make me smile.

  8. I’m glad to see you’re having some fun planning. What a smokin’ deal on the clothes! It seems like so many people are rooting for you guys. Do you have nursery colors yet? (I can’t help but ask — it’s the graphic designer in me.)

  9. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I think you are in one of those situations where you just have to survive – and be hopeful – one moment at a time.

    I think you are doing a wonderful job of preparing for the arrival of your twins. I don’t know how it must change the experiencing knowing that best case scenario has a sibling in the NICU.

    As for the cribs . . . well, I think we have decided not to get one after all. Heck, she will be ready for a toddler bed before we get around to getting one.

    And here is an article on a study you might be interested in:

    Hang in there, Kate!

  10. Hi Kate,
    Congrats on the purchase! Make sure to have some items in newborn size also. My little one was born at 37 wks but still wore nb size for a good month. She was swimming in 0-3’s.

    As for the crib, well mine didn’t sleep in hers until she was 7 or 8 wks old. she just screamed a lot and totally refused to (she had reflux issues). So we used a cradle swing (Fisher price) and it was a life savor.

    Anyway, I think you’re doing great, hang in there,

  11. I’m happy to hear about the four bags of clothing, and hope that they end up getting a TON of use.

  12. Darling, I have a whole bottom drawer stuffed with baby clothes and I’ve never yet had a Beta over 30…

    I keep baby clothes manufacturers in business. And don’t get me started on peestick manufacturers…

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