Posted by: katedaphne | March 24, 2009

Prayers, please, for DIJ

Horrible news this morning. A very close friend, who I met through an IVF message board and became IRL friends with, has lost her baby.

She did a DE cycle the same time I did; she was a week and a half ahead of me. She lives near the clinic where I did my cycle, and my husband and I stayed at her house while we were cycling. So we were cycle buddies and housemates at the same time. We were so ecstatic that the cycles worked for both of us.

She has been through as much as I have, and more. She considered my twins her daughters, and her son was mine. And now, little D.I.J. was found last night to have no heartbeat.

I feel like I don’t have a heartbeat either.

How does this happen? Why? She was practically 20 weeks. The NT scan, the anatomy scan, all were passed with flying colors. And now — darkness.

She’s not a blogger, but if you could leave her some hugs here, I’ll see that she gets them when she comes up for air.



  1. I’m so sorry, Kate, I’m just catching up. Both for your news and now this as well. Wow. You’d think multiple IVFs would grant you a break. It’s so hard, and I will send up some good thoughts for all of you.

  2. I’m so sorry for your friend. I don’t know what to say other than it is a true tragedy and I just pray for peace to get through this time and the hope to continue pursuing a family. Huge hugs.

  3. I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for your friend. Sending thoughts their way.

  4. I am so sorry for your friends loss. My thoughts are with her and with you as well.

  5. Oh, I am so very sorry for your friend. It is so unfair. I will sending healing thoughts. I wish there was something, anything, I could do to help.

  6. Kate, if your friend would like to email me or call me please give her my contact information.

    Of course, there are lots of blogs out there as well as local groups if she needs to connect with people who’s losses are a bit more current or a more similar situation.

  7. I am so sorry for your friend. Such a shock. I know it wont help her feel better, but I hope they find out why.

  8. Please tell your friend I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine how she must be feeling right now,


  9. Oh Kate, I am so sorry to hear this tragic news.

  10. ITs just heartbreaking, IVF only worked once out of my 5 times and I didn’t make it as far as either of you but to have no heartbeat, I’m so so sorry, there’s absolutely nothing else that can be said.

  11. I’m so sorry your friend had to experience that ultrasound experience where they aren’t saying anything. Then, they say, I’m so sorry.

    Nothing in this world can make up for her loss. I wish no one had to experience it.

  12. I’m really sorry to hear of your friends news.
    Please ask her to make sure that her bub’s chromosomes are tested and that her dh’s are too, I’d say her also but i know they were DE. Also improtantly if she hasn’t already she should have blood work for clotting disorders cause they can cause misscarrige, i’ve recently suffered a misscarriage also and found out from our tests that the bub was healthy but that i have a clotting disorder that most likely has caused the 2 losses i’ve had.
    Sorry if i sound unsympathetic, i’m not trying to be, i’m very sad to hear of any loss, i just really want to help if i can cause i know how terrible this all feels combined with the struggle of ivf, it’s just so unfair.
    Hugs to both of you.

  13. Here from LFCA – Sending your friend virtual hugs.

  14. I’m so sorry to hear of your friend’s loss. My sympathies to you both.

    Here from LFCA

  15. Huge hugs to your friend – I can’t imagine how she feels. Devastated is, I’m sure, an understatement. I was half as far along as she was, and I know how messed up I was.

    Holding your friend in my heart.

  16. Here also from LFCA.

    So incredibly and deeply sorry for you dear friend. It’s so hard to wrap our brain around why such horrific things happen without any warning.

    Please extend our deepest sympathy to her!

    Eve (

  17. To your friend: I am so very sorry for the darkness that is losing your sweet son. Thinking of you as you begin this unassigned journey of grief. xoxo

  18. I am so very sorry for your friend. I lost my twin girls at 19 1/2 weeks, and the pain is truly horrific. The best advice I was given was to take one breath, one moment at a time…that’s the best you can do at time.
    Sending her love, support, warmth, and strength.

  19. I am so sorry, I lost my twin girls at 20 weeks and 3 days, I know the pain. The feeling of hopelessness can be overwhelming.
    Taking it one small step at a time is the only way. Try and surround yourself with people who love you and reach out when you are ready, we are all here.
    Much love and healing to your friend, please tell her she is not alone.

  20. Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your dear friend’s loss. Please let her know I’m thinking of her and her husband today, as well as sending them a hug. I’m sending you one, as well. She is very lucky to have such a caring friend by her side during such an difficult time.

  21. My heart breaks for your friend. Please give her my condolences.

  22. Here from LFCA. HUGE hugs to your friend. I cannot, for the life of me, know what that feels like and I don’t wish it on anyone. Let her know that she is cared for and that we are supporting her.

  23. Here from LFCA. I’m so so sorry for your friend. Sending many hugs her way.

  24. I’m so damn sorry. It is just so damn heartbreaking, that this keeps happening in this day and age. Babies shouldn’t die. Its so unfair.

    Our daughter died a couple of days before she hit 21 weeks and I had to give birth to her at exactly 21 weeks. Her 19 week morphology scan was perfect, she was doing well, kicking and hiccuping and all the things a 20 week old baby would do, chromosomally normal, autopsy results showed that everything was working fine and she was perfect in every way, just died for no reason. We decided to go ahead and do a post mortem because at the time we thought an answer (clotting issues, something anything) would be better than random death… but it wasn’t. We fell into that shitty little category of unexplained intrauterine death. Its been hell trying to deal with it and get on with life, and just hearing about someone else who is going through this makes my heart constrict with sorrow for them. Our daughter was the result of our 3rd IVF/FET cycle.

    If your friend ever needs someone who will just be there and listen, please give her my details.

    I’d like to whisper some words that would comfort…but I know from personal experience that there is no comfort in the first few months – year, not even cold comfort. She will have to face the darkest days of her life… and all I can say that will make any sense to her is that I’m so damn sorry that this has happened to her much loved and wanted baby.


  25. Here from LFCA…

    I am so sad for her loss. I know that my words cannot take away the pain.

    I really cannot find a divine reason to justify, why she had to go through all this heartbreak . And I think that is so unfair that she has to be living through the trauma.

    I am so sorry.

  26. Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your friend. It’s just heartbreaking and so unfair. I just wanted to let you and your friend know that I am thinking of you and sending love and peace your way.

  27. I’m sure there are no words that I can say that can offer her any sense of peace. So, please just let her know that, although we don’t know one another, the level of devastation I feel for her is overwhelming and intense and I wish her and her husband strength to find the peace that will likely elude them for quite a while.

  28. OMG Kate. Please pass on my heartfelt condolences to your dear friend. If a total stranger’s best wishes only make her suffering a micron lighter, I send them nonetheless.

  29. From LFCA…. I am so very very sorry to hear of this tragic loss. As an IVFer who has a stillbirth… it is just the most pain and grief I could ever imagine. Please send my support on to her.

  30. I am so sorry to hear a million hugs. have been through the IVF cycle and it’s so so hard. Please ask your friend to see your an reproductive immunologist they helped me acheive my dream of having a baby. I really think they help with IF and sustaining a pregnancy. Feel free to email me if you have any questions.

  31. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry, both for A and for your friend, but I’m hoping and praying for the best for both of them.

  32. OMG, is it XXXX from the board?? OMG, I so hoped everything worked for her, she has been through so much…Oh, this is so bad :-((

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