Posted by: katedaphne | March 12, 2009

DE musings

My dear Kami at  The Other Side is wondering: “Now that DE is working so well and so quickly for you, how do you feel about the process you went through to get here?”

Well, I feel fine, actually.

Okay, that’s a lie. I hate the process that brought me here. It was hard to bear physically, and almost broke me emotionally. Infertility is a horrible disease. Even though I am (apparently) pregnant now and my body seems to be growing and nurturing my children the way it is supposed to be, I am still feeling very angry with, and betrayed by, my body. It looks all fine and normal and even, on good days, cute — but I know that inside it is just crap. I’ll never recover from IF. I just hope the scars fade a little, and I assume once The Things are born I’ll have less time to think about this horrible time. But it has defintiely shaped me, and that won’t go away.

So yeah, still have some anger/bitterness issues, I guess. Donor egg solves some, but not all of the problem. A donor egg pregnancy solves the singlemost biggest problem — the fact that I was unable to have a family. With DE, I do get to have a family. That’s a huge and wonderful thing, and I am so glad this option was available to me. That is the most important thing. It was not easy to accept, and it took me more than a year to reconcile and then embrace the idea. In choosing a DE family, there are certain things you, by necessity, leave behind. It was hard to jettison some of those things. But if you’re on the Titanic, you don’t say, if I can’t bring my suitcase I’m going down with the ship. You get in the damn lifeboat if you have the chance. That is to say, I decided I didn’t want to give up the chance to live the rest of my life as I had always wanted it to be, just because I couldn’t have everything EXACTLY as I expected it. It was hard to leave behind certain things, and when I think of it, it will always make me sad that I had to make that choice. But I will never regret makign it. It will never make me sad to look at my children. I am so glad they are coming and I can’t wait to meet them. I wish we could just fast-forward to August so they would be here already!

What donor egg does not, cannot, do, is cure me. Even though I am pg now, I am still infertile. That sucks. DE didn’t fix me, it just did an end-run around me. I’m sad that I am broken. I wish I knew why I am broken. I am glad I could survive this ordeal. I am glad I have been strong enough, even though I felt so weak, to make it through. I do believe one does what one has to do. But there were times when I could’ve given up; it would’ve been so much easier. And I’m glad I didn’t. It wouldn’t’ve made me any happier. I’m glad some part of me knew that. (My definition of  “giving up” is stopping whatever you are doing before you are truly ready and while you still have options before you, making a choice to go the easy route instead of the route that leads to what you truly want. Changing your mind about what you want is not necessarily giving up, nor is arriving at the end of a road that presents no more options.)

So, DE has not taken away negative feelings about and caused by infertility, nor do I believe it ever will or could.

But DE *IS* giving me my family, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I have no issues with having “DE” babies. I love them and I want them and they’re mine and I’m looking forward to years and years of knowing them and being with them and loving them. Nothing about THEM, about their existence, makes me sad. Nothing.

The only thing that makes me sad, sometimes, is me.

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Responses

  1. **Hugs**
    I feel guilty sometimes saying I have fertility issues when I’m so clearly pregnant. But DE is still a fairly radical way to get pregnant. I could not have done it any other way. But to some of my friends, even those trying DE, they consider my feritlity issues solved. I’m grateful to be pregnant and I love the boys growing in me as much as if I had a genetic link. But I know that I’ll still feel tugs and pulls at my heart when people make comments about how much or how little they look like me.

  2. I just posted something kind of lengthy about this at my blog. You might find it interesting.

  3. Even though I haven’t successfully achieved the DE pregnancy that I’m praying so greatly for, I still found myself nodding my head as I read through this. It’s so hard to explain to people that, while we are thrilled (or, in my case, will be thrlled) to finally be growing the family we’ve so desired, by using DE, we haven’t cured our IF. We’ve, essentially, cheated it, or tricked it.

    But, the last line, “The only thing that makes me sad, sometimes, is me.” – I stopped nodding when I read that and started tearing up. I think you’ve just diagnosed my sadness.

  4. I think if I ever have a baby, whatever way, someday I hope, I would still feel as you do. No freakin doubt about it. This IF is a motha’ and not easily kicked, if ever. Thinking of you and knowing youre going to be a great mama and feel so much better when you see your baby! xoxoxo

  5. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I love the comparison to the Titanic.

    I’m glad you are so much closer to having your family than you have been in years. I can tell you, there is a lot more peace and joy on the other side even if I still sometimes wonder what went wrong and what I could have done differently. Not that I would undo it now.

  6. This is such beautiful and heartwrenching post.
    You really touched me.

  7. Great post. You’ve said it really well. Not pregnant or a parent yet, but I suspect I’ll feel the same.

  8. This is a great post. I’m sure I’ll come back and read it again and again.

    Even though I didn’t have to use DE (yet, it’s among the options for #2), you still explained a lot of my feelings about doing IVF to get a baby. I’m SO happy that the baby is here, and life looks infinitely better from the other side, but I’m not cured, and that does make me sad.

  9. This is a great post and I’m so glad it got kirtsy’d. I’m the new mom to a boy conceived via DI, and you get right to some of the sadness I’ve felt since he was born. I know it is sometimes difficult or impossible to compare DI and DE, but there is common ground there, and a lot of what you say here rings true for me. I wouldn’t wish anything to be different about my son, yet there is sadness in his story of how he came to be, and I’m sure more so for my husband. Thank you for writing this.

  10. You’ve captured my feelings exactly-I was just trying to find the words to explain how I felt to a good friend of mine the other day-and I said exactly, “I may be pregnant now, but I’ll always be infertile”. I’m unbelievably grateful that I had the option to use DE and that I’m pregnant now, but It doesn’t change how I feel about my infertility. I’m glad I found your post. It helps to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way-

  11. Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

    This is a great post, and puts into words some things I haven’t been able to pin down. Not in relation to DE, but in relation to (big maybe) adopting.

  12. You said it. Beautifully I might add. It took me 9 attempts to wake up and smell the DE coffee and we still haven’t got round to cycling yet, but thank you for spelling out what I’m feeling so well. The Titanic analogy is bloody perfect. As is the lingering awareness of being “broken” and the frustration that we’ll probably never know why…

    So yeah, thank you!


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