My dear Kami at The Other Side is wondering: “Now that DE is working so well and so quickly for you, how do you feel about the process you went through to get here?”
Well, I feel fine, actually.
Okay, that’s a lie. I hate the process that brought me here. It was hard to bear physically, and almost broke me emotionally. Infertility is a horrible disease. Even though I am (apparently) pregnant now and my body seems to be growing and nurturing my children the way it is supposed to be, I am still feeling very angry with, and betrayed by, my body. It looks all fine and normal and even, on good days, cute — but I know that inside it is just crap. I’ll never recover from IF. I just hope the scars fade a little, and I assume once The Things are born I’ll have less time to think about this horrible time. But it has defintiely shaped me, and that won’t go away.
So yeah, still have some anger/bitterness issues, I guess. Donor egg solves some, but not all of the problem. A donor egg pregnancy solves the singlemost biggest problem — the fact that I was unable to have a family. With DE, I do get to have a family. That’s a huge and wonderful thing, and I am so glad this option was available to me. That is the most important thing. It was not easy to accept, and it took me more than a year to reconcile and then embrace the idea. In choosing a DE family, there are certain things you, by necessity, leave behind. It was hard to jettison some of those things. But if you’re on the Titanic, you don’t say, if I can’t bring my suitcase I’m going down with the ship. You get in the damn lifeboat if you have the chance. That is to say, I decided I didn’t want to give up the chance to live the rest of my life as I had always wanted it to be, just because I couldn’t have everything EXACTLY as I expected it. It was hard to leave behind certain things, and when I think of it, it will always make me sad that I had to make that choice. But I will never regret makign it. It will never make me sad to look at my children. I am so glad they are coming and I can’t wait to meet them. I wish we could just fast-forward to August so they would be here already!
What donor egg does not, cannot, do, is cure me. Even though I am pg now, I am still infertile. That sucks. DE didn’t fix me, it just did an end-run around me. I’m sad that I am broken. I wish I knew why I am broken. I am glad I could survive this ordeal. I am glad I have been strong enough, even though I felt so weak, to make it through. I do believe one does what one has to do. But there were times when I could’ve given up; it would’ve been so much easier. And I’m glad I didn’t. It wouldn’t’ve made me any happier. I’m glad some part of me knew that. (My definition of “giving up” is stopping whatever you are doing before you are truly ready and while you still have options before you, making a choice to go the easy route instead of the route that leads to what you truly want. Changing your mind about what you want is not necessarily giving up, nor is arriving at the end of a road that presents no more options.)
So, DE has not taken away negative feelings about and caused by infertility, nor do I believe it ever will or could.
But DE *IS* giving me my family, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I have no issues with having “DE” babies. I love them and I want them and they’re mine and I’m looking forward to years and years of knowing them and being with them and loving them. Nothing about THEM, about their existence, makes me sad. Nothing.
The only thing that makes me sad, sometimes, is me.