Posted by: katedaphne | January 24, 2009

Sorry, I suck. But — I’m fine

Ok, SORRY it has been a while since I’ve updated. I know that’s not cool, I’ll try to be better. If it helps — I promise no news will be good news. If anything bad should happen I’ll let you know–

No new updates, haven’t had a scan in a while or anything. My next checkup is Wednesday, which will be 10w1d. It’s my last with the RE, then he’s releasing me to the OB. He said I could probably just go to OB sooner, but “because of my hsitory” he wanted to see me one more time. I think he just likes looking at scans of things larger than follicles πŸ™‚ Also, I think he likes seeing me in his office either not crying or crying only happy tears. It makes a nice change.

My first OB appt. is Friday. So this past week I had to go with no checkups or ultrasounds. It made it a long week. And now next week I get two. Woo-hoo! I wish I could have two a week until August!!!

One reason I haven’t written more in the last few days is because I have just been feeling like total crap. I’m glad to have symptoms and I truly do thank god for them, even though I am not a praying sort. So the last thing I want to do is commit a bunch of whining and complaining to the Internet, where the words will never go away. But really, it has been a herculean effort every day just to get through the day. I have been absolutely wiped out each night after work. Merely lifting a fork to my mouth has been as much effort as I can manage. Typing even semi-coherent thoughts has been pretty much out of the question.

Then, too, on top of the physical has been the mental/emotional difficulties. I don’t want to live my life in total fear and constant anxiety that the worst is about to happen or has already happened and I just don’t know it yet. But the amount of energy required to maintain even a slightly positive attitude is SO IMMENSE. Really, I am back to holding all my molecules together so they don’t all fly off into space in a billion different directions at once.

But, I am succeeding, on some level. I know that bad things can still happen. One or both twins could not make it. Could, in fact, die. But, absent some indication from my doctor that something is happening, I am working to trust that things are OK. Feelings, symptoms, etc., are all unreliable. They tell us nothing about what’s really happening. Dr. Google can give us both positive and negative anecdotes for any scenario we can type in. So, I’m just not going there. Until someone with an M.D. tells me in person to worry — I am not going to. (Or at least, I am going to try not to.)

In a way, it’s a choice. It would be easier to sink under the weight and give in to the fear. I could google every symptoms and scare the crap out of myself ten times a day. But I am choosing not to, and I am constantly REMINDING myself that it’s a choice. That is helpful to me because it gives me a feeling of control over myself. I can’t control what happens but I can control how I respond. I know it isn’t that simple, for me or for anyone. And I’ve suffered from depression long enough to know it can’t be controlled just by a thought either. But that said, this technique helps me cope, keeps me centered, helps me identify when I am not “myself.”

Physically, I have suffered most of severe fatigue. Exhaustion really. (It does not help that I have insomnia. I was taking ambien nightly for months before this ivf cycle, for insomnia caused by depression. Now I can’t take anything. I sleep a little better than I was but it is still hard to have a truly restful night. Seems unfair since if I have twins around I won’t be sleeping then either. Seems like a person should get to at least be well rested going in!! But I digress.) Yeah, tired. Sitting up in my chair at work int he middle of the day is a challenge. That seems to be easing up a little the last few days. I’m not peppy but I feel less likely to be the first person ever to die of tiredness. Now I am feeling more, not nauseous exactly. Just kinda sick all over. Not queasy, no vomiting. But food doesn’t sound good even when I’m voraciously hungry, things don’t taste right, just a general unwell feeling.

So yeah. Feeling blah, no news to report, still chugging along.

And, may I just add, it is REALLY hard to not allow myself to lick the spoons or the beaters while baking brownies and the like….



  1. SO glad all is well. You bring back so many memories. The fatigue was painful. Like PAINFUL. Having a shower at the end of the day was just too much standing up. Cooking? Pah.

    When the time comes and you’d like any twin assvice, I’m always at the end of an email…



  2. “I can’t control what happens but I can control how I respond.”

    Kami wrote that in a comment on my blog. I keep repeating it to myself. It’s good schtuff.

    So glad things are going as well as they can. πŸ™‚

  3. Glad to hear all is well! Don’t worry, soon the fatigue should (hopefully) pass, but you’ll have to pee all the time.

  4. I’m so glad you feel like crap! I hope it is a harbinger of health!

  5. Feeling tired or not I’m so so happy for you, thats better then being tired because you are depressed . I read thru your bio and felt a lot like reading one on me, its always nice again to see how people feel so I know i”m not crazy for turing into a hermait etc. Now we have a daughter but had to go thru some BS with that too, but I”m not complaining because we are home now. I
    m a friend of Kami’s and I happend to get onto your blog from there. I hope everything continues well, I know its no the happy naive pregnancy where you are too stupid/naive to know that bad things can happen but still you are pregnant and thats fantastic! wish I could fast forward time for you.

  6. Glad you’re well, and I totally get what you’re saying about choosing to worry. Sometimes the feelings are overwhelming, but sometimes we can indeed choose to let go unless told otherwise.

    I hope you get some sleep. Won’t be too long before you get that 2nd tri bounce and feel better, I hope!

  7. It was good to read the update. I’m glad you’re ‘okay’ and I hope the symptoms ease up a bit.
    I can mark the date, almost the hour when I switched from total exhaustion to ‘almost normal’.
    I worry daily but that reality that I’m still just with my family doctor and still havent seen an OB gives me a bit of comfort (because if I needed extra care – I’d get it – right?).
    Cooked brownies are very good too!

  8. glad you are doing well! I lurked on IVF Connections the other day to reassure myself. πŸ™‚

    1) I say lick the beaters! The chances of that tiny about of raw eggs will may you sick are so small – but I understand.

    2) My OB suggested benadryl for sleep when I was really suffering – the lack of sleep was making me even more depressed. My midwife suggested skullcap (which, I think, is an herbal antihistimine so maybe works similarly) and that worked really well for me. It didn’t last long so it wouldn’t keep me asleep but it helped me fall asleep. It was magic for my restless legs. I still take it here and there for the latter.

    3) Can’t wait for your next u/s! Yeah!!!!

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