Posted by: katedaphne | July 16, 2008

My real friends

That’s you, the lovely gals (and a few brave guys!), who are here reading this blog. I saw recently on a bulletin board I sometimes go to a post about how to deal with friends — and my immediate gutwrench reaction was that it’s not a problem I have because I don’t have any friends.

Most of my IRL friends have more or less dropped out of my life, or perhaps been chased away. Mostly it’s no one’s fault. It’s just that less and less can I not only not relate to many people — but I can barely spare the energy or the will to try. I guess I am just in self-preservation mode. Not so much to guard myself from people who might hurt me. It just takes so much energy and will to hold all my molecules together. I feel like if I stop concentrating on them for a moment, they will all spin out away from me and I will just dissolve into subatomic dust.

There are a couple who for some unknown reason are still with me. I thank god for them every day.

And there are all of you.

I recently got two of the highest compliments a blogger can receive. One is from a friend from my very first IVF buddy group. (Oh, for the days of innocence! First IVF! First IVF buddy group! No realization yet that buddy groups can cut as much as they support, when you are the one taking the statistical bullet…) But this is a really special bg because their mantra is “No ttc-er left behind” and they really mean it. So thanks, Amy, for being “addicted” to my blog and complimenting my writing and posting the link in the bg thread and staying by me even when I can’t bring myself to post. And thanks Denise and Jess and Deb and Beth and Nicole and Kelly. The fact that you ladies could move on but you’re still clicking here means a lot to me.

The other one was from an IRL friend who moved away. She’s the type that even though we aren’t real great at staying in touch, when we do talk we pick up exactly where we left off as if it was five minutes ago. We talked on the phone the other day, and she said mentioned something I “told her about” — but I hadn’t really told her. She’d read it here. What a compliment — she felt like she was talking to me and we were having a conversation! That’s one of the great side benefits of blogging. I’m glad my blog “speaks” to her! And I hope it speaks to some more of you, too.

This friend is currently going through a loss of her own. She was delicate enough not to want to burden me with it — but she’s exactly the person I want to help see it through. I hate that it is happening to her and hope that some tiny shred of what I’ve been through can help her get through the day a little easier. Since my blog’s not anonymous I don’t want to identify her, but if you could send out some healing thoughts for her, I’m sure the uiverse will direct them to the right place.

After years of IF and countless failures and dashed hopes, I still have no wisdom and no Answers. But I have a few thoughts that do help me get through the day with all (or most) of my molecules intact. I’m going to post them separately tomorrow or later in the week, because this post isn’t about me, it’s about my friends.

ps — Shelley and the other girls from “Aunt Clo” — I know you’re out there — hugs —



  1. I’m sending thoughts of support to your friend. She’s as lucky to have you as you are to have her, as are the rest of the people who have stood by you through these trying times.

  2. It’s hard, isn’t it? I definitely have more friends now that I’ve bonded with through the world of IF than I do outside that world. And, I’m glad the friends from your buddy group are still there. That’s tough, too. I was part of starting a Yahoo group almost 2 years ago of girls from my geographic area going through TTC problems. In that time, ALL of the original and early joiners are either pregnant, have babies, or, in one case, now has two. We have had many join in the 2 years and most of them have successfully gotten pregnant on one or two IVF’s. The handfull who are not pregnant include me and one or two who are really just starting out. While they have almost all continued to support me and I’m friends with several of them off the boards, it’s kind of hard feeling like the one left behind.

  3. I don’t have many IRL friends these days either. I have coworkers. I have Clients. I have family. And then, mostly, I have the blogosphere. So I feel ya.

  4. I’m listening–hang in there!

  5. I hear you about not having many friends. I have a few close coworkers, my husband and my friend from childhood. I check on Shelly and here blog and click on pinningourhopes but no one posts there anymore. I enjoy reading your blog and Shelly’s. FF the groups are not moving these days seem a bit distant on there. I chart, and hope, but thats about it…..
    Im listening to what you speak!

  6. I could really relate to this post- thank you for writing it, once again. I’m in a “can’t get the energy to post” phase, myself right now. And I completely understand the need to just focus on keeping my “molecules” together (which such a good way to put it), so that I just don’t have the energy to spare for IRL friends. I also think that this process has sort of weeded out those friends, anyways- for there are a few that have made the cut and just meet me where ever I happen to be without expectation- which is such a precious gift.

    So thank you for posting- it’s a good sign that I was motivated to reply!

    I’m also sending lots of warm healing energy (well, whatever I have, at least) to your friend who has a loss of her own.

    Fondly, Dot

  7. Please send my love to your friend. I am sorry for her loss.

    IF really points you toward the folks with the depth and communication skills to be real, true, life-long friends. Just a few is all you need, and they are worth a thousand buddies…

  8. Kate, I love you. Email me asap…I have to talk to you! amy

  9. Yep, I’m here….. always will be.
    Sending vibes for your friend as well. ((hugs))

  10. Another member of an early IVF group you were in. I’m still rooting and praying for you Kate. -Laurie

  11. Hey lady, I feel you on the energy to keep those molecules together. And I would totally be a real life friend if I lived near you, no matter how much energy you didn’t have.

  12. Awww, Kate. I will be clicking here forever to check on you. You know we mean it, “No ttc-er left behind”… hugs always!

  13. Hey Kate I’m here…My thoughts are with your friend. hugs!

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