Posted by: katedaphne | June 19, 2008

Dark thoughts

It seems like mostly in this blog lately I have been babbling about day-to-day life stuff and not too much internal stuff, which is really what I started this blog for. But since my old strategy of curling up in a hole while depressed didn’t work, I am trying the run-yourself-ragged-keeping-busy mode. Frankly, can’t see much of a difference between the two except I have less time to eat raw cookie dough now. I guess that should probably go in the “improvement” category but it doesn’t feel like one!

But I have finally collected a few thoughts about two things that happened this week. The first has to do with Father’s Day, which of course was last Sunday. Mike didn’t seem too bothered by it, and so I didn’t mention anything to him about it (didn’t want to remind him he was supposed to be feeling crappy). We had a decent, low-key day, spent a couple hours at my parents’ place; my brother and his wife and their son were there but it didn’t get too obnoxious father/child-wise. So I thought all was well. Mike’s not a brooder like I am, and he doesn’t tend to get worked up over (sad) anniversaries and other markers like I do (believe me, he feels the IF as strongly as any of us do, which is kind of amazing for a guy, he just has different triggers). But Monday evening we had just turned out the lights and gone to bed when I sensed a deep black feeling emanating from him. He put his head on my cheek and said, “I hate Father’s Day.” It made me so sad I started to cry. I HATE that he’s not a father!! Damn it, he SHOULD be! He’d be a great one. And I hate that there’s anything that makes him feel bad that I can’t just fix.

So yeah, that was Monday. Tuesday two of my mom’s friends planned a birthday dinner for her at a local restaurant and I went along. It was a goofy fun time, four crazy women out for dinner and a pitcher of sangria. But eventually talk turned a little serious as mom’s friends asked her about her sister, who she has been having some problems with. Mm filled them in, then said, “But I don’t care. I have my kids and my friends and I don’t need her, I’m fine…” And suddenly I got so sad. Because I am afraid *I* will be at my 59th birthday party and have no friends b/c they all fled from me during my sucky, depressive IF years, and no children either. The people I used to know will be going to their kids’ high school graduations and then passing around grandchildren pics, and I’ll just be alone, as left out then as I am now.

My mom and I have had a sometimes rocky relationship, but underneath it all, always, has been a very strong love. And right now we are pretty much like best friends. We hang out together, go to the gym — or shopping! — together, we talk about everything… It’s a wonderful relationship. And … is it really really selfish to wish someone would have or want the kind of relationship wiuth ME that I have with MY mom? Mom means so much to me. But I fear I will never mean that much to someone.

Maybe it sounds narcissistic or selfish or whatever, but it just comes down to a desire to be loved. It’s why the idea of living child-free is so unacceptable, even now as treatment options whither and adoption still feels unright.

Where’s that cookie dough now?



  1. Here – you can have my whole tub of cookie dough. Well, the half of it that’s left, anyway. I’m thinking of and hurting for you both.

  2. LOL at the cookie dough. I share the same coping mechanism!

    I’m sorry you had a rough weekend. Sending lots of hugs your way!

  3. man, do i feel you. i get the same feelings, esoecially when it comes to my mom. i always think “i won’t have a child to love me, to hangout with, to confide in, etc. like I do with my mom.”

    i also feel sad for my husband he too would be such a GREAT father. sucks doesn’t it, but we have to think positive as shitty as it feels some days.

    so sending you hugs and know that you are thought of from the other side of the world. xoxoxoxox

  4. “Maybe it sounds narcissistic or selfish or whatever, but it just comes down to a desire to be loved.”

    The gals and I on LP were discussing this very topic recently. I sort of brought it up by asking if having a child wasn’t just purely a selfish act. Of course my comment was taken, and responded to, in a variety of different ways. And I didn’t agree with all of the ways. However, for me, one of the take home points of the discussion is that there is a difference between being completely narcissistic and being a little selfish. And being a little selfish is ok. We all have wants and needs and desires. And that is ok. No it’s not saintly, but it is ok.

    I think that IF takes so much away from us. So much joy, so much spontaneity. It eats our souls. And so at some point when we get so used to it that it almost feels wrong to want something just for our own happiness. But I don’t think it is wrong. Selfish, maybe. But not wrong.

    I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not. If not it’s because I’m still sorting through it myself. :/

  5. I think being a little selfish is ok in terms of wanting a baby – it’s so natural to want that. As humans, we all have the desire to connect and love and be loved in return. Otherwise, what’s the point?
    Sigh. Pass the cookie dough.

  6. I’m there, I have that weakness for cookie dough, and normally in times of hellish sadness, I just get busier if I can, I prefer so busy I can’t think, breath or do anything other then collapse at the end of the day.
    It’s so hard to be at the end of treatment, I know I’m having a hard time with that too, because I know that I don’t want to not have a family, and my husband doesn’t want to adopt.
    I wish there was an answer.

  7. I completely understand. My mom and I are extremely close and it tears me apart that she sits around with friends and they talk about their grandchildren and I have not been able to make my mother one. And, I have the same fears you do. What if I never have that child and, like you, I’m where my parents are, in their mid to late 60’s, and have nobody to celebrate successes and special times. These thoughts keep me up at night…

  8. Hi, there, VMB sista gangsta!

    In many ways, I’m the exact opposite of you. My mom has been such a disappointment to me. We were so close when I was growing up, when I was too young to know how mentally ill she is (and she wasn’t as bad then, either). I thought we’d always have that amazing bond.

    Now, a lot of my desire to be a mom has to do with NOT being her, with being a source of support and comfort for my kid, without becoming so narcissistic that I damage my child.

    My mom is toxic. So I can’t ever give her ammunition, even when she’s being nice. Because you never know when she’ll get paranoid, turn on you and use anything personal you ever told her against you. She’s been able to make me so upset I couldn’t stop crying for days. I can’t imagine what she could do if she used my IF against me.

    This means I’m going through IF, without any doubt the worst two years of my life, without my mom even knowing what I’m going through. (And I don’t really have a dad.) What I would give for just one sane parent to lean on.

    So your sadness makes perfect sense, and there certainly is nothing wrong with the selfish side of wanting a child. And I’m sure that, one way or another, if it’s what you want, you will find way to be a mom.

    At the same time, give your mom an extra long hug next time you see her. You’re so lucky. It’s lonely out here in IVF-world without any parents.

  9. I’m sorry Father’s Day weekend was not great. My husband doesn’t express his feelings like your husband, but I imagine he’s feeling a bit left out since he’s wanted kids even longer than I have. 😦

    I am glad you have such a great relationship with your mom, it sounds like a good, helpful situation. My mom is kind of emotionless, she doesn’t let things get to her so my miscarriages and IF problems really haven’t caused her to emote to me or even to express any sadness about it. Gets on my nerves.

    Anyway, take care, don’t eat too much cookie dough! 🙂

    (here from NCLM)

  10. I’m sorry Kate. I teared up at your dh’s words.

    I suspect if adoption becomes the next best choice it will feel better. Let’s hope your current next best choice works out.

    I hate that both of you aren’t parents yet.

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