Posted by: katedaphne | May 25, 2008

If I experience something and I don’t tell anyone …

… did it really happen?

I have always been the sort of person who needs to share my experiences in order to validate them. I didn’t always know why I did that, I just knew I had to tell someone. As I got older I realized what I was doing, and that many other people don’t need to do this. Their experiences are theirs whether anyone knows about them or not. I don’t know why I have this need to share. It’s not that I seek approval (though sometimes I do). It’s that things truly don’t seem REAL to me until I have told someone else.

So, if I am keeping something to myself, it means I don’t want it to be real. I don’t WANT it to be validated. If it’s a secret it didn’t happen.

I haven’t mentioned this on my blog or to anyone IRL; the only person who knows is Mike because he was there. My FET not only went poorly in many ways, as I have already described. But there is one other thing that made it awful that I haven’t even been able to put into words. That I have refused to say out loud.

Someone lost my embryo from Cornell.

My very best shot at having a bio baby was just, well, lost. Scraped into the red bio-hazard trash can. The embryologist at the clinic where I did the FET told me he looked and looked and looked for it but it wasn’t in the straw that was sent down from Cornell. I won’t mentioned we paid a THOUSAND fricking dollars for Cornell to prepare that embryo for transport (not counting the $500 Fed-Ex bill), or that we just received a bill for $500 for storing it. The money stings, but it isn’t the money. It’s the lost opportunity. Either Cornell didn’t properly store it or didn’t properly prepare it for transport, or the embryologist here overlooked it. Either way, it is too horrible. My baby was dumped in the trash. I have always wondered how people could lose their children at the mall. And now mine was lost in a stupid petri dish. It was there. A perfect blastocyst. And then — it wasn’t.

So we did transfer two blasts; they were from a crappy cycle and we all knew they weren’t going to be viable. In fact, for a while I wanted to save the Cornell embie and just use the others, do the Cornell one later. But my local RE said he didn’t want to do that, no point, the others were too bad quality, blah blah blah. And in the end, that’s what we did anyway. Except now my hope of still having that one in pocket is gone too.

Through all this IF bullshit from beginning to end, I have tried to make decisions that would leave me feeling later that I had no regrets. And now, when it is all over — I am left with regret. If I had stuck to my guns and not moved the Cornell embie here, I would still have a chance. I could do another FET. I could bring it down here later, or I could go up there and do an out-of-town FET. WHY didn’t I insist? WHAT happened to that embryo? What is so fricking wrong with me, how am I so terrible, why can’t this one very normal natural thing just freaking g**damn HAPPEN for me?

So, there. I said it. It’s real. And it sucks.



  1. WOW….
    What was Cornell’s response??
    That is shocking and it sucks beyond words.

  2. First of all, at some point in time we all play the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, and usually we do that in the situations that are beyond our control in the first place. There was no way you could have looked into the future to know that this would happen to you. It is NOT your fault, and this is not your guilt to absorb. Sadness and anger over that last chance, your one remaining beacon of hope now being gone – yes. But NOT guilt. You, like so many of us, put your trust in the people who are supposed to be professionals, the ones who we hope will fix it and make everything alright.

    That being said, someone’s ass should be in a sling right now, and it surely isn’t yours. The emotional damage eclipses the financial damage by far, and someway somehow, you and Mike need to be compensated for that. It will never undo what’s already been done, but someone needs to accept fault for it, and I think I’d be raising holy hell until someone did.

    My friends Sarah and Paul had something similar (but not nearly as heartbreaking) happen to them and they were able to get retribution. Sarah overstimmed big time and had over 20 eggs retrieved, all of which fertilized. At the time, the clinic rarely cultured any embryos to day 5, so about half were frozen at the 2pn stage and the other half were allowed to grow to day 3. Out of that bunch, they had the first two best quality 3-dayers transferred to their surrogate and had a failed cycle. When they were gearing to do an FET, the clinic called and explained that they had a record of how many of each type and grade of embryos that were remaining and that all of them were frozen in either sets of 2 or 3, but they did not label the straws with what was where. When they did that FET and the next two, they were literally grasping at straws, not knowing what they were getting until they thawed them. As a result, the first two FETs were done with mediocre, if not crappy embryos instead of starting with the best and working their way down. The first FET with their first surrogate failed. The second FET was with me – it was a transfer of 4 mediocre/bad embryos, 2 of which were 4-cells, one 6-cell, and one 7-cell. With the third FET (new surrogate again), they finally pulled a straw that had one of the 8-celled best embryos, transferred that one and two 4-celled embryos, and that’s the transfer that finally worked. In between the 2nd FET with me and the 3rd FET with the new surrogate, Sarah and Paul went to battle with their clinic. No one wanted to openly admit that they were at fault, but they feared the lawsuit so much that they finally agreed to complete the frozens she had left and do two fresh cycles and all frozens from those until she got a take-home baby, all for free.

    It pisses me off when these clinics make such grave mistakes then do so little to make up for it. I’m so very sorry that this has happened to you and Mike.

  3. That is so beyond horrible. I wish it were something that *could* un-happen just by not talking about it.
    I think Kymberli hit it on the nose. Somebody should pay for this, even though it can’t bring your embryo back.
    I am so sorry.

  4. You have GOT to be kidding me, Kate! I am shocked that something so horrible could happen to you and Mike. Boy, I really try not to have “Why Me?” moments, and I’m sure you do as well, but you deserve one right now. I really hope that someone steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for this mess. I am SO sorry.

  5. Gawd, I just can’t believe that shit can happen. I worry it can, but didn’t know it really could. I get that you’re going to blame yourself a little, and wonder what your part in it, but know that that’s so not your fault – really. Let others share in the blame, particularly all those with the transport. Doesn’t matter who messed it up, it’s gone, but don’t let you be the only one taking the fall here.

  6. I thought I had posted this already, but I guess the Internet ate it. I gave you a Pink Rose Award on my blog. Thinking of you…

  7. OMG! this is absolutely horrible, I am so incredibly sorry that this happened to you!!! IVF and infertility is hard enough, NO ONE should have to deal with this on top of that. I agree that someone should pay for this, it won’t bring back your embryo but something should be done for you… again, I’m so sorry….

    (here via nacomleavmo)

  8. Shit, that is beyond awful. Somebody somewhere is responsible for that, and it isn’t you. Especially financially. Cornell and the other clinic really should be made to figure out how much they each owe for that kind of monumental screw up.


  9. OMG, I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope they give you a free cycle to make up for it. (If they don’t, you should hire a lawyer and sue their @sses!)

    I just started blogging yesterday (just in time for NaComLeavMo!), so please stop by and say hello if you get a chance. 🙂

  10. OMG how can they just LOSE an embryo?

    What will they do in order to attempt to compensate you?

  11. Oh my gosh, that is just a horrible thing to happen! So Sorry!!! I hiope that they will try and sort out some sort of compensation even though it won’t bring that embie back {{{{HUGS}}}}}

  12. I am so sorry that happened. Sending hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. I am so sorry that this happened. I can’t think of much that would be worse. That just plain sucks.

  14. I found you through Kym’s blog…I cannot believe this happened. I’m so sorry for you all and sincerely hope that somehow, something better will come out from all this. I agree with others who have also said this – while compensation won’t undo what happened, I do think they definitely owe you some compensation.

  15. Hi Kate- I am sending you an email now. Be forwarned: There will be lots of captial letters and curse words included in said email.

  16. I can;’t believe it! I am so sorry. HUGS

  17. I hope you dont mind if I cuss–because I read this yesterday, and had to come back to calm myself down before posting a comment–but holy shit, Kate. I am so sorry–I just cant find reasonable words to say.

  18. I’m praying for your happiness….Don’t give up…

  19. That is just horrible. I had one embryo I could have transferred, but didn’t want to take the chance of all 4 implanting (Ha! That was my early days) and I still wonder just a little bit if that could have been the one. It wasn’t good enough to freeze.

    So I have a tiny idea of what that might feel like. I am very, very sorry.

  20. I am so sorry, this is just an incredible story.
    It sounds like you are not the type who sues, but I think you have no other choice. Who knows how many other women had the same thing happen to them? Who knows how many will got through the same thing if no one sues? I don’t see this as getting “justice” (emotionally or financially) but preventing the clinic (and others) to repeat this monumental screw up. Thinking of you. Marie

  21. I’m so sorry.

  22. I’m here from NaComLeavMo and am furious with them on your behalf. This is beyond inexcusable, it is horrendous. I am so very, very sorry that you’re dealing with such an awful situation.

  23. I also found you through Kym’s blog and am so sad and sorry this happened to you. Many (((HUGS))) to you.

  24. This is an absolute nightmere. So sorry to read about it.

  25. My God, Kate, I am so very sorry. that is horrifying.

  26. I am horrified for you. I just can’t imagine what you are going through.

  27. I am so sorry you’ve had to face this incredible incompetence at a point where it matters so very much to you and your husband. I think this is definitely something you should not pay for, since it was so clearly a careless stupid error that someone has to take responsibility for.

    But that all takes energy, and I know that’s not easy to come by when cycling! Sending some of mine your way…

  28. TWO WORDS: FREE CYCLE. WHat a mess……praying for a miracle!

  29. over from NCLM

    That really, really, really sucks!

  30. Oh. My. God.

    Why is everyone on the freaking planet so freaking retarded? Why are people allowed to get away with NOT doing their job. Apparently it doesn’t matter if you have a GED or a Ph.D. – no matter what there is no requireent for anyone to do anything right, ever.

    I seriously want smack someone for you. Hard. In the nuts.

  31. Holy F*cking Sh*t. Free cycle is the least they could do – that is, if you even want to deal with them any longer. Grieving for your loss and wishing you well.

  32. […] I told her forget it, I had no intention of paying them to tell me why my cycle failed — and how my embryo got LOST. I think they can tell me this for free. I must’ve looked like I felt, because she told me to […]

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