Posted by: katedaphne | December 22, 2007

1,000 more words

Crap. Shit. Damn hell fuck son of a bitch. Shitbucket.

Why why why why why

no no no no no

hurtful hateful heartsick hellfire lost last least searching seeking losing loving reaching falling

can’t breathe can’t talk can’t think can’t speak can’t be

suffocating stabbing throbbing sobbing sniffling snuffling snorting gasping choking needing wanting learning burning yearning

wondering wandering hoping winding calling seeking never finding

stunned unbelieving unseeing shock shutting down cold rain frozen frost snow blizzard sleet hail bleak impenetrable inhospitable inhumane unhuman

weaving grieving deceiving sighing crying trying dying squeezing twisting ripping rending bending crushing breaking shaking

bitter barren useless meaningless pointless broken imperfect inoperable unable

alone

unfathomable mystery trick of fate or faith questioning asking beyond beware betray waylay

fraying spinning dodging weeping grasping slipping shrinking fading pale ghostly disappearing

wail flail jail prison torture cellblock gallows sentence punishment unjust no recourse no appeal throw away the key

spent dissipated used up dried up shriveled a raisin where my heart should be

anry mad enraged pissed p-o’ed frustrated annoyed overwhelmed engorged tantrums

adrift cheated directionless at sea pain heartache guilt spilt wilt limp tired

nothing — again

empty void dark alone lonely
surrender

heavy weighted anvil pressing down on the chest

swear cry rage sigh whisper weak freak can’t speak

veil of tears

open wound oozing bloody infection vile bile pus disgust recoil revile revolting

wallow can’t swallow lump in throat

death dead gone grave past over done beyond reach

insanity rant rave pace grind back and forth circles rut

numb

torn asunder unfair not fair not right infantile longing childish immature i want i want i want

mask disguise pretense lies

black hole sucking it all in nothing escapes
not tears
not grief
not despair
not joy

not light
not me

insomnia tossing turning waking wakeful fearful exhausted thrashing crashing churning spurning shredded fingernails pulling out hair sulking nightmares hot flashes cold feet

childless

still

forever?

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Responses

  1. You capture the feelings in words so well.

    Not childfree for ever. It will work for you or you will find another way. You have lots of options. Now is probably not the time to worry about what those options are, just trust that you will find a way.

  2. I have been…I am…where you are. This sums it up so well. I am so so desperately sorry that it didn’t work out this time. But I hope that you will find a way forward. It is so hard to keep going with so little hope but otherwise all is lost, so keep going we must.

  3. Chemical pregnancies suck hard. When I had my first one, I told my hisband it was like someone had handed me the MOST WONDERFUL PRESENT IN THE WHOLE WORLD. It was a beautiful gift, wrapped with a shiny bow, the one you always hoped was yours when you saw it under the tree on Christmas morning. I felt like someone handed me that gift, let me tear off just the tiniest piece of corning wrapping. . . and I got a peak inside that gift and it was the MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD. I was so happy.

    And then that gift was snatched away and I felt so empty.

    I am so, so sorry. My heart just aches for you.

  4. Yes, everything you wrote, then all the things that there are no words for.

    I am so very sorry :-(.

  5. I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping you and your husband are doing ok. Again, I am so sorry.

  6. Hugs. Lots of em.

    More later and LLL
    Joey

  7. sending my hugs to you

  8. I’m sorry.

  9. I came over from Creme de la Creme. This is brilliant, moving and totally accurate. I’ve just gone through my first miscarriage and I barely made it through the holidays. Every single word, phrase, utterance….could have come out of my mouth.

  10. Have been there too many times myself, and I think I’ve thought pretty much every word you wrote. I am so sorry for your loss.

  11. Every single word is every single feeling I have ever felt. I stumbled on this from Creme de la Creme. Thanks for sharing these words in exactly the way that I’ve lived through those emotions. It’s good to know that we’re not alone in these feelings.

  12. I found you via Creme de la Creme and I am just dizzy reading this. I am so sorry for your lost, but grateful that you have managed to type out the words that so many of us feel.

    Thank you.

  13. This was a great choice for the Creme. So very raw.

    And I’m so very sorry.

    Bea


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