Posted by: katedaphne | December 18, 2007

Face time with hope

Now that I’ve been through 2ww’s WITHOUT getting a glimmer of hope on an hpt and WITH a glimmer of hope from an hpt, I can definitely say, it is better the second way.

I came home and tested twice (frer, ept) — the lines are still faint, but they’re there. Mike can see them too — they are not just my invisible friends.

Until I have a nice fat integer for a beta result on Thursday, I am not even ~thinking~ the p-word, or even the b-something-something acronym. Not gonna go there. Nope nope nope.

The 2ww still sucks the big one. But instead of wondering if I should slash my wrists or just jump off the Sunshine Skyway, now I am waiting for my next chance to pee. Yes, I’ve become a pee-aholic. “My name is Kate, and I spent $71 today at CVS on pee sticks.” To his credit, as the teenage male cashier rang me up, he didn’t even blink or look at me as he scanned four boxes on pregnancy tests.

There are still six ways from Sunday this can go all wrong. I miscarried once, I could do it again. It could be a chemical. It could be a zillion other things. But — one step at a time. Baby steps, if you will.

I haven’t been very friendly with hope in the last year, especially the last several months. I have assaulted by hope, mugged by hope, beaten down and spat upon by hope. Emily Dickinson said “Hope is the thing with feathers.” Actually, hope is the thing with brass knuckles.

But yesterday hope sort of crept in the side door of my house. It’s not being intrusive, it’s just sitting quietly in the corner. I wouldn’t mind of it made itself useful — take out the trash, sweep the floor, etc. But it’s not making a mess either. It is sort of nice to have it around, even though I don’t spend a lot of face time with hope. I still fear it will leap up and betray me, but for now, I’m letting it stay.

It just better stay away from my brownies though. A girl can only give so much.

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