Posted by: katedaphne | December 4, 2007

The View From 70th Street and First Avenue

Hello from NYC, everyone. Jiminy Cricket it is freaking COLD here. After 10 years in Florida you would never know I was born and raised in the north — and actually lived in northern Canada for a year (300 miles north of Edmonton).

The trip up was uneventful; we arrived Thursday (it’s Monday night now). We spent our first night and the next day with an absolutely lovely chica I met on IVFC. She has a sweet one-bedroom apartment literally across the street from Cornell, so that made my first monitoring appointment very convenient. Now we’re all settled in our own place, one avenue away. Five floors up, no elevator, which will be fun after egg retrieval. But otherwise it’s great.

We spent the first couple of days adjusting to the weather, and are now pretty sure we’re not going to die. However, walking back from dinner this evening we both were reminded of that Jack London short story you read in middle school about the dude who froze to death in the antarctic. We spent the afternoon wandering Fifth Avenue, people-watching, window shopping, etc.

Mike is fascinated by what he calls the human zoo. There are lots of people wearing fur coats here, which we think is weird but sort of cool. Mike says they look like animals wandering the streets. Like giant, bipedal beavers or something. For a couple of blocks we followed a couple of Bergdorf blondes, one in a full-length wool cape, the other in a full-length fur, they had matching stockings (that must be “the” color this season) and matching pumps. I think Mike got a picture. Too funny. We browsed the jewelry counters in Saks and chose which diamonds we’d buy if we weren’t committed to paying for our house instead.

Oh — the cycle. Seems to be going great. I have about ten nice-sized follicles and am likely to trigger tomorrow. It seems fast. I have only been on injectibles for 6 days (plus the clomid). And Spandie has been steadily dropping the dose of Follistim. I started on 150 Follistim, 150 Menopur, and gradually went down, until today — no follistim at all, just the menopur. Feels weird but I trust him.

I am weirdly calm this cycle. I am not sure if it is because I believe it will work or because I know that it won’t. Either way, I feel really detached. I guess that is better than feeling anxious, but then I start to worry that I’m not worried enough. I will just channel my grandmother, who passed away in June. She always said, “What will be, will be” and “there’s a reason for everything.” I don’t really believe the second one anymore — there’s no reason for what Mike and I have been through. Just as there’s no reason for a tsunami that kills 100,000 people or for any of the other crap things that happen to good people or for any number of great things that happen to assholes. “What will be…” though, I guess I do believe — because I sure haven’t had any luck changing things through sheer will.

That’s been one of the hardest things about IF to wrap my head around — let alone accept, I’m nowhere close to that yet. I always was taught if you work hard and do the things you are supposed to do, good things will happen, you’ll achieve your goals, you’ll be happy. But it’s just not true. You can do all that you’re supposed to, follow the right road, make the hard choices — and still end up miles from where you want to be. No one ever told me that could happen. I may have free will, but that doesn’t mean I control my own destiny.

Here’s the point where I usually start asking, “Why?” “WHY doesn’t it work the way it’s supposed to?!” But I’ve decided not to ask that anymore. Instead, I just say: Pass the chocolate.

ps — I miss my dogs. if this cycle fails i am getting (another) puppy. don’t tell mike.

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Responses

  1. “That’s been one of the hardest things about IF to wrap my head around — let alone accept, I’m nowhere close to that yet. I always was taught if you work hard and do the things you are supposed to do, good things will happen, you’ll achieve your goals, you’ll be happy. But it’s just not true. You can do all that you’re supposed to, follow the right road, make the hard choices — and still end up miles from where you want to be. No one ever told me that could happen. I may have free will, but that doesn’t mean I control my own destiny

    Amen sister! I will have some chocolate over here too.

    Thanks for the update. I am crossing my fingers for you.

  2. You know, if I knew just how long you were going to be there (in NYC) I might have some chocolate sent over for you and Mike! (mmmm, remember the Ghirardelli’s desert in Disney?)

    As it is, you both know you have Yoopers in 12″ of snow keeping all our fingers and toes crossed for you.

    Keep eachother warm.

  3. Echoing your feelings that surely hard work = success. That’s what I was taught about life, and it does suck that it doesn’t seem to apply to IF.

    Good luck with the trigger and ER,

    J


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