Though most of us call today’s holiday simply July 4th, or the Fourth of July, I like to remember its real name: Independence Day. It’s the day some very brave men, men who were powerful and respected, put their names to a document that could have been their death warrant. Because to declare your independece from the king is treason. But to Hancock and the others who signed our Declaration of Independence, it was the start of a new era in human history. And the signers — they were the bigshots of their time. It is as if people like Bill Gates and Tom Brokaw and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary Clinton and Warren Buffett and a pack of state governors and a few CEOs and a couple of oncologists and … well, you get the picture — powerful people with something to lose… 

I love the Declaration of Independence, its common-sense beginning, its list of reasons (”He has… He has… He has… He has…”), and most especially, its stirring end: …we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

That phrase always makes me tear up a bit on reading or hearing it, picturing the Founding Fathers pledging their sacred honor, signing, and then going off to start a new country, knowing if caught they could be shot or hanged. When I was in Ireland a few years ago I got to see a similar declaration their people created — but those signers were not so lucky — the English caught and killed them. If that had happened to the American signers, I wonder if there would be United States today. Seeing that document really brought home to me even more the seriousness and specialness of our Declaration of Independence and of this time in our history.

So, here’s the text of the Declaration of Independence. I hope you’ll read it with me. I put my favorite parts in bold type.

The Unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United States of America

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

Happy Independence Day!

Gosh, I love them! Thanks so much, all who’ve commented since our lWTF. Was going to reply to one, then realized I wanted to return a bunch so I figured it woiuld be easiest to do in one post, which I hope all of you see!

Working back-ass-wards, from comments on the post before this:

Queenie – Thanks so much for the kudos, but I really can’t accept them. The truth is, I am a wallower too, and I have been wallowing at least a year, since our first cycle at Cornell (4th overall) failed last May. In a way I’ve been wallowing since our first failed IVF more than two years ago, and since the m/c before that, and since I first gave in and took the clomid…. But seriously, this past year has been Wallow Central. I feel like you feel when you’ve eaten too much chocolate, or raw cookie dough. You don’t think that could ever actually happen, but then when it does boy does it feel bad! Getting that first Cornell BFN, and then talking about DE, really took it out of me.

Smiling – I am glad you found me, and I’ll be cruising by your blog this weekend. Thank you for your warm comments!

Me — Thanks! I’m sending the hugs right back atcha!

Io — I think my head did explode a few times. I seem to be missing a few brain cells these days! Thanks for the good wishes. If I find a donor who’s anything like you (since I know you’re looking into doing that, an amzaingly unselfish thing to even consider!!), I think it will be a good experience!

Soapchick – Good luck on your DE cycle. You don’t have to say “only 2″ cycles to me — I think each one is very hard!

Shinejil – well I already responded via email but I will again so as not to leave anyone out! You’re quite right that there are still many other kinds of links worth embracing and celebrating. But it’s so hard to let go… I am working at it…

Kymberli – thanks. Not sure if “closure” has been achieved. Not really even sure “closure” exists. But I guess since I’m a bit less like a dog gnawing its paw off to escape from a trap, we can count that as closure!

Duck – your comment has suggested a completely new thought to me — DE with a surrogate. Never thought of that before. Now I am wondering if that’s what we should do. Gosh, a whole ‘nother world to consider! … It is a little like adoption except hubby’s genes are still involved… hmmmm … wheels turning, can you smell the wood burning scent?

Lisa – thanks for your long and thoughtful comment. We have a lot in common. ABout PGD, I think a lot of docs are advising against it as more data comes in. All the previous docs didn’t want to do it, and even Doc P last week was mostly grasping at straws when he mentioned it. Have you heard of CGH? I wonder if the studies doing that now will prove it better than PGD and if it will become common….

Geohde – thanks again for keeping your eye on me. Hope you are hanging in there. Sending many good wishes your way…

And last but not least, a shout-out to my lurkers – I understand you best of all because I’m one too. xo

Yep, we had our SIXTH what-the-fuck-happened consult this week. I took half a day off work because I knew it was going to be ugly. Good call.

It started off typical: When I checked in the receptionist demanded 40 bucks. I told her forget it, I had no intention of paying them to tell me why my cycle failed — and how my embryo got LOST. I think they can tell me this for free. I must’ve looked like I felt, because she told me to sit down and she’d call someone and sort it out. She never called me back up.

Eventually I was led back by a fellow, who asked if I would allow a student to sit in on the consult. I think I’ve done enough for the advancement of medical education in six cycles for just one example, see here, so I said no. Actually, I said, “I’d rather not, if you don’t mind.” With me, it’s when I am super polite that you really have to be careful.

So we sat down in the consult room with Doc P and Doc Y. Doc P is the RE, Y is the embryologist. Doc P started by pulling me up on his computer and I think, just to be saying something, he asked, “So how did you feel after this last cycle?” I just stared at him for a minute, and he was like oh, right, dumb question. So I told him it had been pretty bad, and that we were hoping for some explanation of the process and how this could’ve happened so that we could wrap our minds around it and try to put it behind us.

So Doc Y did his best to explain how freezing embryos is done, how they are thawed, etc. etc. He told us how and where mistakes can happen, and he told us what he had done to try to find it. In the end, of course, it was exactly as we thought: Each clinic more or less blames the other, but basically, it’s just a shitty piece of rotten luck and even if both sides did everything as they should’ve — well, shit does sometimes happen.

So, no new information there. But I got what I wanted, which was the embryologist looking me in the eyes and telling me he had tried his best and was very sorry there wasn’t more he could do. And I believe him. I don’t know whose error it was — or even if there was one. But I still believe Cornell has the best lab, and I believe my local guys are talented and did their best for me.

So, it is time to accept and move forward.

Note: Accepting and moving forward does not mean you can’t sob your eyes out in the RE’s office. Feel free — I did.

Now, on to the amusing thing about all baby docs. They ALL think they can do a better job than the others; they all think THEY are the only one who can get you pregnant. Are doctors in other specialties like this? I’d love to know. So his recommendation is that, if money isn’t an object (and he knows it is, at this point, but he’s just saying) he’d like us to try another fresh cycle, he’d like a chance to do the job.

If we don’t want to do that, he said it is not unreasonable to consider donor eggs, or even adoption. I’ve never heard a baby doc recommend adoption before. He mentioned it in the context of, what are our goals, do we want a bio baby, do I want to be pg, or is our goal merely to have a family. We also discussed the big question, is it the egg, the sperm, or the ute? And how can you tell? He feels confident in ruling out the sperm, and since tests and the lap show my ute looks ok, he pretty much rules that out too. But I had to respect him for saying he couldn’t be SURE it isn’t the ute, that there is just no way to be positive. But he thinks it’s the eggs. He suggested PGD if we cycle again, though he points out that it will probably just be an expensive way of confirming what we already suspect.

The difference between the words SUSPECT and KNOW is so HUGE, though. One thing that makes IF so damn difficult is the constant unknowingness, the perpetual search for an Answer. If you let them, the Why’s will kill you.

And it sucks that money can prevent you from having such solace as comes from a bit of an answer. We are already deeply in debt, and donor egg or adoption aren’t cheap either, so more debt is clearly coming our way. So far, we can manage it but we are near our limit. So to pay for another cycle with PGD, when we feel in our hearts that the outcome will be the same, seems a luxury we can’t afford. This is why I can’t relate to celebrities with IF. They may share similar identity questions and similar heartaches and frustrations, but they can’t know what it’s like to make the choose to trade your whole future for a CHANCE at having something worth having a future FOR.

So, even if we had a spare twenty grand lying around, we are really not up for another fresh cycle with my eggs. Doc P said they’d waive some of their fees for a cycle, though of course they can’t wave hospital charges or several others not under their control. So it would still be expensive. But money aside — we both agree — we don’t want to do another regular IVF. First our limit was three, then four, then five, and then a FET … we are starting to realize (not accept, but realize) that our baby isn’t going to look or act or think or in any way, be anything like me. That sucks for Mike, because (who knows why but) the man loves me and wanted a little girl who was a little like me. And it sucks for me, because I love my family and I love thinking about genealogy and family trees and such and hate to see the chain broken with me. We are each supposed to be a link to our past and to our future, and me — well, I’m only half a link. And that sucks.

After the consult, we had to go to the bank and get the lawsuit settlement notarized. It was our second try at this, because they first time we didn’t know we needed TWO witnesses besides the notary, and the girl at Kinko’s was alone. But this time, all went well and they did not even charge us. So we spent the afternoon dealing with our medical specialists, our banker, and our lawyer. La-ti-DA!

But wait — it gets better! After the bank, I had to go to Saks and pick up a fur coat. I’d love to say MY fur coat, but alas, it wasn’t mine. The magazine I work for was doing a photo shoot for an upcoming issue and Saks was providing the fur coat, and since I was in the city that afternoon I got volunteered to pick it up. So I really dealt with our medical specialists, our banker, our lawyer AND our fur salon. Take THAT, mean world!

So the fur coat got to sleep over at our house Wednesday night. (Funny, because we already HAVE a lot of fur at our house, it is just still attached, mostly, to our three cats and two dogs.) A very bizarre end to a pretty crappy day.

I probably should’ve written about this day sooner, but I was a little shell-shocked. I’d sort of dealt with it the day of the transfer, and again the day of the beta, but it all came back with a vengeance on WTF day. I’ve been kind of walking around zombie-like for a few days. Last night I told Mike I want to get on with the donor egg cycle.

I have always been the type of person who doesn’t see the good of going around hating your life or complaining about it incessantly (tho I do appreciate a good whine now and again). If you hate it that much — you need to take steps to make a change. We already agree we do not like our lives childless. And we agree that we don’t want more regular IVFs. I can lie around hating the lot I’ve been given, or I can try to change it. (Ironically, the John Mayer song Waiting on the World to Change, which I DESPISE, is playing on TV right now. It’s so lame — why WAIT? Get the fuck busy, a-hole. Change it yourSELF!) So although some people have advised that I wait and take my time, no need to rush, etc. etc. … Well, I’m ready. I hate this. Let’s change it.

I’m calling Cornell’s DE co-ordinator tomorrow. (We’re basically at the top of their wait list because DE has been recommended for us since last summer.) And I am going to call a local DE agency and request info. Not sure which clinic we’ll go with or how this will play out or when.

I’m trying to think of it as trading up in the gene pool.

I’d like to send a shout-out to my very dear friend Kami over atAre We There Yet? After a long journey through hell and back, Kami just gave birth to a daughter. It’s not always easy to be still on “this side” and see others’ success, but Kami’s brings me so much joy.

I’ve known her for a few years now. We chatted on several different online forums and quickly bonded. Then she started her blog, and with her encouragement I started mine. Kami’s been through so much but even so, she always made time for look out for me, even getting my cell number and calling me if I didn’t post when she knew I was feeling particularly down.

Getting to where she is today has been such a struggle, even down to her birth story not exactly going as she hoped it would. But now that Little Butterfly is here, I hope it all becomes nothing more than a fuzzy memory for her (so she can forget the pain but remember us)

So here’s a bouquet of little butterflies from me to you Kami, with much love.

It seems like mostly in this blog lately I have been babbling about day-to-day life stuff and not too much internal stuff, which is really what I started this blog for. But since my old strategy of curling up in a hole while depressed didn’t work, I am trying the run-yourself-ragged-keeping-busy mode. Frankly, can’t see much of a difference between the two except I have less time to eat raw cookie dough now. I guess that should probably go in the “improvement” category but it doesn’t feel like one!

But I have finally collected a few thoughts about two things that happened this week. The first has to do with Father’s Day, which of course was last Sunday. Mike didn’t seem too bothered by it, and so I didn’t mention anything to him about it (didn’t want to remind him he was supposed to be feeling crappy). We had a decent, low-key day, spent a couple hours at my parents’ place; my brother and his wife and their son were there but it didn’t get too obnoxious father/child-wise. So I thought all was well. Mike’s not a brooder like I am, and he doesn’t tend to get worked up over (sad) anniversaries and other markers like I do (believe me, he feels the IF as strongly as any of us do, which is kind of amazing for a guy, he just has different triggers). But Monday evening we had just turned out the lights and gone to bed when I sensed a deep black feeling emanating from him. He put his head on my cheek and said, “I hate Father’s Day.” It made me so sad I started to cry. I HATE that he’s not a father!! Damn it, he SHOULD be! He’d be a great one. And I hate that there’s anything that makes him feel bad that I can’t just fix.

So yeah, that was Monday. Tuesday two of my mom’s friends planned a birthday dinner for her at a local restaurant and I went along. It was a goofy fun time, four crazy women out for dinner and a pitcher of sangria. But eventually talk turned a little serious as mom’s friends asked her about her sister, who she has been having some problems with. Mm filled them in, then said, “But I don’t care. I have my kids and my friends and I don’t need her, I’m fine…” And suddenly I got so sad. Because I am afraid *I* will be at my 59th birthday party and have no friends b/c they all fled from me during my sucky, depressive IF years, and no children either. The people I used to know will be going to their kids’ high school graduations and then passing around grandchildren pics, and I’ll just be alone, as left out then as I am now.

My mom and I have had a sometimes rocky relationship, but underneath it all, always, has been a very strong love. And right now we are pretty much like best friends. We hang out together, go to the gym — or shopping! — together, we talk about everything… It’s a wonderful relationship. And … is it really really selfish to wish someone would have or want the kind of relationship wiuth ME that I have with MY mom? Mom means so much to me. But I fear I will never mean that much to someone.

Maybe it sounds narcissistic or selfish or whatever, but it just comes down to a desire to be loved. It’s why the idea of living child-free is so unacceptable, even now as treatment options whither and adoption still feels unright.

Where’s that cookie dough now?

No, I don’t have one. I admit, I convinced my mom to go shopping today instead of to the gym. I’m actually still sore from our workout MOnday. And since I do this for the social activity, not the pain, I thought it would be better to just give it up and go to Kohl’s instead. Memo to self: The gym would’ve been cheaper.

No, the Iron Ass is me, for ever thinking I could ever go NCLM Iron. Ain’t happening, chicas. I’m doing my best but I thought it best to face reality today. (Why, I’m not sure, I usually try to avoid that in other parts of my life…)

Have you been over to VMB yet? If not you need to hit the button to your right, there, and boogie on over there.

The Barren-ess, out.

If they’ll have me, that is!
Who? Why, the Vet Mafia Bloggers!!!

Here’s my cred:
1. Gang name: The Barren-ess
2. Pic of me doing the gang sign — OK, here’s where the crew may blackball me — I can’t post a pic like that cuz my blog’s not only not anonymous, it’s also connected to me at work and to my employer. And as much as I’d like to not care about that, I need the paychecks to pay for my drug habit. (fertility drugs!) So I can’t do anything that could reflect poorly on my employer. May I submit instead a pic of my dog lifting his leg on a pee stick?
3. Vet button — see above, and, hopefully, right.
4. Crappiest thing a fertile ever said to me — well, the shitlist is long, but I think this one takes the cake. A (now former) friend told me I couldn’t have a child because in a former life I had hurt or killed a child. And so now I am here learning whatever it is I need to learn to atone for that. WTF?!?!?!?! I cried for weeks after that because even though I knew it was total crap, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Actually, it is even worse than that: As she was telling me this, I asked her to stop because it was upsetting me — and she KEPT GOING! Like I said, she’s no longer in my life.
5. Post link in a comment to VMB — ok am I crazy or are Initiation rules 5 and 7 the same? OR do I have to do it twice to get in? Being a VMB is so conFUSing!
6. Comment on five other VMB blogs — ok, off to Comment.
7. Ok, I will double comment — I am a dork that way.

Well, during my little I’d-call-it-a-pity-party-but-it-was-really-more-like-a-PISSY-party, I got HOPElessly behind in NaComLeavMo. Really, it will probably be impossible to catch up. But I want to try. So I am going to attempt to go Iron for a week — if I get to everyone on the NCLM list I’ll be caught up AND I’ll get to be on the Not-an-Iron-Commenter-but-still-did-the-whole-list-in-a-week list. Now, if there were a People-who-can-string-together-ridiculously-long-modifiers list, I’d make that in a heartbeat.

***
As for me, I guess I am doing better. Not that I am prancing around like a damn Rockette or anything. But I read Mel’s blog today, about comparing cancer and infertility. And I actually thought to myself, “Yes, I’d rather be infertile than have terminal cancer.”

I know that ought to be a no-brainer, but as I am sure some of you will understand, this time last year my answer would’ve been the reverse. So I guess, although I am no closer to bringing home a baby, that there has been progress. Of a sort.

How did I get here? Not sure, to be honest. And I’m not sure I’m here all day every day. Time passing has something to do with it. More failed treatments. Medical intervention too, I must admit. I started taking lexapro last year and it made a noticeable difference. Lunesta, also, since my stress seems to manifest as insomnia. I stopped the Lex when I cycled again last winter and have been feeling the lack ever since, so last week I went back to the doc. I am now trying something called Elavil, I switched b/c I didn’t care for the Lex side effects. And I switched to Ambien too. Ah, sleep. I love sleep!

So there we are. Next week we have our WTF about our F-ed up FET cycle. I hope I don’t blurt any obscenities but I make no promises.

Okay. Off to Comment. On Something.

If you are here from NCLM, I sincerely hope you aren’t pissed off and hating me because I haven’t updated my blog more regularly.

It’s just that right now I hate everything. I hate everyone. I want to go hide on a desert island with nothing except:

and

and

I will try to step it up before NCLM is through, so pls don’t give up on me. I hope to catch up in my commenting, too, before all is lost. We’ll see……

I’ve recently been honored (twice, actually, for the same incident — is that double-dipping?) with the Pink Rose award. It’s Kymberli’s invention. See the story of what it is and how it came to be here.

I’ve been delaying passing it on because I figured I’d run into some pretty incredible people thru NCLM. And I have. But a post today by a blogger and friend I’ve had for a while really struck me and I’d like to honor her. Check out this incredible post by Sarah Solitaire. I’d tell you mor ebut I’ll just ruin it. Sarah’s inspiring words speak for themselves.

I’d also like to send the Pink Rose award out to Dot at Beauty and Courage. She’s been through way too much and somehow still takes it all with such grace. I don’t know how she does it, but she ought to do it with more hugs and more pink roses so I am sending some straight to her.