Update: Are you here from LFCA? Thanks for coming, and welcome!! The part you’re probably looking for is about five graphs down.

Not much is happening around here. I am trying not to be too moody and not to dwell on things. Getting a good night’s sleep is still a (losing) battle.

I did an unchracteristic thing last weekend. Usually I hate buying clothes because I keep thinking, hoping, that I’ll be pg soon (i know, ha) and so I don’t want to waste money on “skinny” clothes that I hope I’ll never fit into again, starting asap. So my wardrobe has been pretty crappy for, well, a couple of years now. And here I am in the middle of a FET cycle — and I went shopping and bought two pairs of size 0 pants. No way will those fit a pg or post-pg body — but, I am not feeling very hopeful at all, and I was getting sick of my clothes. So two pairs of nice summery capris (and two matching shirts) later, here I am.

The frozen embryo transfer is set for May 12. I have an u/s Tuesday morning to check my lining. I have been sort of bad about taking my estrace. I am supposed to take it three times a day but damn! I can’t even remember to EAT three times a day, how can I remember to take a pill three times a day? I generally get two in and sometimes all three. I know it is working though because the CM is abundant and egg-whitey. And since I’ll be on the estrace for an extra long time, to get me over the gap while the lab is closed, I’m not too worried. (and why should i worry? it is not going to work anyway…)

Still going to the gym several times a week with my mom. Though with this FET cycle on I am not allowed to do any cardio and am only allowed to lift 20 pounds. It is kind of a waste. But I go to keep my mom company. We enjoy hanging out. And frankly, if is cheaper than doing almost anything else we’d be doing if we had this many outings — we’d be shopping or eating out or something probably. So it is all good. And I’ve found that if I do like 100 reps on the inner thigh machines I can feel it a little, even with only 20 pounds. So I do that.

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Had an interesting experience the other day at work. A reporter I work with in the features department, a pretty famous one around here (he has a Pulitzer and has written a book), interviewed me about my experience with IVF. He is working on a story for a series we have examining science and religion and he’s interested in the moment life is created thru ART, and in the doctor who makes it happen, and the patients who experience it. He can’t use me in the story, of course, but he wanted to talk to me to get background knowledge. I have talked a lot, pretty freely, about my experience but it is different with a skilled interviewer. Also, I don’t know him that well and some of what he wanted to know was pretty intimate. But he was super nice about it and let me know I didn’t have to answer any question I didn’t want to. And he was so interested and so caring, it was very easy to tell him a lot. It was strange because he is looking at it from an outsider’s perspective, and he’s looking at the “macro” side, the big picture. And I am a patient and am very much the “micro” end of it. Of course I have thought about the big picture, the “god” and “science” aspects of IF, etc. etc. But this conversation was different and interesting. And while it was difficult at times, I enjoyed it.

By the way, this reporter will be wanting to talk to some IVF patients for his story, preferably (but not exclusively) from the Tampa Bay area or anywhere in Florida. If you think you might be willing to talk with him, let me know and I will hook you up. It isn’t a news story or a fact piece about IVF, it’s more about people (patients, docs, scientists) struggling thru and experiencing the “science and religion” aspect of ART. I can personally vouch for the sensitivity, caringness and skill of this writer, and whether anyone who blogs is in it or not, I can’t wait to read his story.

1. Slept in

2. Read a few chapters of next book for book club (Reading Lolita in Tehran, which I recommend)

3. Purchased a new cabinet for kitchen, one of those portable jobs, wooden, from Target.

4. Ate yummy treat from Cold Stone Creamery. Are y’all familiar with this place of wonder? You choose an ice cream flavor, they scoop it up and, on a slab of cold marble, mix it together with whatever toppings you choose to create a yummy one-of-a-kind heaven. Today I had Cake Batter Ice Cream, with brownies and Oreos as my mix-ins.

5. Worked out at gym with mom, though probably not enough to even out that Cake Batter yumminess….

6. Put together said cabinet, almost all by myself and with only one major oops (put the door hinges on all backward, had to unscrew and do over).

7. PUT STUFF in cabinet that had been living on kitchen floor because it had no home, namely soda bottles and water bottles, a 9-pack of Mott’s apple juice juice boxes.

8. Got period.  Yep, it is finally here. I’ll count tomorrow as CD1 and start the estrace Tuesday. All this drama, for a handful of blasts that probably aren’t going to do anything anyway. Sigh. Still, I am glad to be moving forward again.

No loaner dogs.

No period.

The animal shelter decided to keep the rest of the dogs it confiscated from that crazy lady, something to do with liability or something. So no loaner dog for me. And here I had just gotten Mike to agree to it….

The bloodwork yesterday showed: negative beta (duh), and progesterone=22, which means I ovulated “late” (I  think it means “again”) and am allegedly due to start a period soon. Huh. We are now looking at a transfer during the middle of May. Well, the blasts have waited this long, they can wait a little longer.

Yep, I got psyched out — no “rent” today after all. Whoever said FET cycles were easy never met my stupid body I guess. Tomorrow I go in for a blood draw, they want to check my progesterone and, get this, BHCG. Yeah, somehow I don’t think a beta is what I need right now. But I understand they have to do what they have to do. The IVF coordinator told me the lab closure I was worrying about will not be a problem and will not delay us a whole month; even if we hit it, it will only be a couple of days and staying on the estrace will just carry us right over it. So good, one less thing to worry about.

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No, I did not come home with a dog. But I did talk to Mike about it tonight. He is reluctantly agreeing to give it a try. I say — Hey! It is just a LOANER DOG! If you don’t like it we can always give it back!! — Like that will happen. But it gives him an “out,” in his mind, which I think is necessary sometimes. I am hoping to get two little female Maltese. I wonder if I can get the paperwork set so I can pick them up Saturday and spend the weekend with them?

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Still sleeping like crap. I was hoping the gym would help with that but — not so much. Last night was awful. I just popped a lunesta so hopefully tonight will be better. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

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Speaking of the gym, we have gone faithfully every other day since we started. And yesterday, our in-between day — we walked 3 miles around the neighborhood. Today we lifted weights and then rode on the recumbent bikes for 10 minutes. Did you know going at difficulty level 16 (out of 20) for ten minutes, for a total about nearly three miles, burns only 50 calories? I’m scandalized, it feels like it should be a LOT more!! THAT’S the kind of info that should be on nutritional labels! “This cookie requires 15 minutes on the treadmill to burn off.” THAT’LL help people change their habits. I am not even on a diet but I am definitely thinking about food in a new way since we started this.

OK, I got my first really weird, random Googlism yesterday. How on earth did someone googling “me and my hot wife photo” land in my blog? And what did this person think when he got here?

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Looking into getting some crinone to jumpstart AF here. We are about to run up against the lab closure, which would delay our FET until who knows when. Good grief.

UPDATE (and TMI alert): “The rent,” as we call it around here, may be on its way after all, unequivocally red spotting this afternoon. I think I’m calling tomorrow CD1 no matter what!!!
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Woooo-hooo Jayhawks!!!
I am not from Kansas, but Mike is. Last night was very joyous in our home. It was nice to see Kansas beat the team that beat MY team (Michigan State). I love March Madness!!

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Went to the gym yesterday. We have gone every over day since we started. Wooo!

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I am thinking about being a foster mom to a puppy or dog. 120 animals were taken from a home here. Read story here. A woman I work with is an experienced dog foster mom and her enthusiasm is contagious. Don’t tell my husband, but I think I am bringing home a dog tonight.

UPDATE: OK, no dog tonight. There are papers to fill out, etc. But made some calls. Perhaps in a couple of days. Still haven’t mentioned this to the other biped in the home…

Yes! Of course we went!! {indignantly} Mom and I went after work. We did the circuit of machines working all the usual parts and then checked out the Big Girl machines and tried out the Glute Monster. Because though I’m skinny and don’t weigh much (I struggle to keep my weight in three digits while cycling, don’t hate me though, I do not recommend the stress and depression diet to anyone), my thighs and ass are just not what they used to be. I look young, but I am OLD in egg years, and I am OLD in thigh years too, it seems. It’s sad. So we did the machines and then a little while on the treadmills. I don’t see myself ever doing much more than 15-20 minutes on there though, what a bore. TVs, iPods, radios, whatever. You are still walking in place. If I am going to walk distances measured in miles, it will be in shopping malls or perhaps Disney World. Feel good tonight. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow though, I am expecting pain. Wonder if this will help me sleep better?

Oh, the membership — we were offered a discount on a year membership that is more expensive but has more privileges, one of which is that you can bring a friend for free every time you come. Mom and I discussed splitting the cost of that, since we don’t intend to go alone much, if at all. I actually considered it briefly, then told her I couldn’t commit to a year’s worth of exercise. Why?? Because I might be pregnant, that’s why. {stifling urge to type, “when pigs fly”} Because one ought to have hope. I feel pretty hopeless a lot of the time. But when push comes to shove, I keep proving by my actions that I do in fact have some. It surprises me every time. In a nice way.

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Speaking of nice. We got our taxes done today. It was alarming to see that we were able to deduct nearly a third of our gross income for medical expenses. (Pre-tax flex accounts are for wussies!) But the chunk of change we are getting back will be nice. Not enough to pay for another cycle, but it darn sure helps.

Tax Guy told us not to be surprised if we get audited, since we are claiming such a large deduction for the second straight year. Though he also said, people who lie about the med deduction usually claim $4000-5000, not the ridiculous amount we did. I would like to see the IRS dude’s eyes when I put the receipts in front of him! That’ll learn ya to mess with an IVF vet!!!

Sorry I’ve been MIA, it seems there’s not so much to write about when you are just waiting for AF so you can cycle. I suppose I could think of something, but really, I am just so *tired* all the time. I get up, work, eat, and then try to sleep. Try being the operative word. (So tired I just typed “opposite word,” sheesh.) I have been trying to avoid taking the sleeping pills (and I dropped the AD in November) — but I still feel like the last two years of cycling, and the chem in December,  have really kicked my tail. So I am lying low. When off work I go to the beach if I have the eneergy, or sit on the porch in the sun and do sudoku puzzles. Doing my part to stave off Alzheimer’s, anyway.

 We are supposed to be gearing up for the FET this month, but two things have cropped up that are troubling. First, we had decided not to transport the Cornell blast down here b/c I was too tired and stress to manage the logistics of it. We were just going to use (this time) the four blasts we have locally, from our third IVF. But the RE called me yesterday and said he doesn’t want to do the cycle without the Cornell blast, his experience with the embies from here is that they are not good. I know my embies here are crap (bless their hearts) but it still sucks to hear that. I am not up for dealing with Cornell so Mike said he would take over and manage that end. I don’t mind them being put in me, I just don’t want to have to fool with getting them here.

But — all of this is moot if my freaking period doesn’t show up within 5 days. If it’s not here by April 7 we have to delay b/c the lab will be closing for a bit. If it is not here by then that will mean my cycle is 38 or more days long, which for me is absolutely unheard of. It should’ve been here already, but it is showing no signs of coming at all. None.

I think the estrace I took for two weeks at the beginning of the month screwed up this cycle. Took it as a “mock FET” just to warm up before doing the real thing. All was well when they checked on April  13 and I stopped taking it that day. And thence began (is thence a word?) about 10 days of heavy heavy spotting. Not quite enough to qualify as an AF but a freaking lot. And now — now when I need it — nothing. Anyone out there have any experience with estrace? Is this normal, what can I expect? (sorry, Joe, I know this whole graph is TMI but you knew that when you signed up to be my friend…)

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Ok, and here’s the hell freezes over part: I joined a gym. On purpose and in my right mind. Those who know me IRL know how amazing that is, I HATE to exercise, and I especially hate it when anyone is watching. I’m not ashamed of myself or my body, I’m just, well (and I know this sounds ridiculous if you count up the number of people who have seen my lady bits) private. Exercise should be done in private by consenting adults only.

But my mom wanted to join and wouldn’t do it without me, and is feeling bored and stifled at home now that my dad is retired and not doing much and not being very entertaining. So I said I’d “do stuff” with her. So, my mom is bored so *I* am joining a gym. Eesh. Even Mike doesn’t require me to prove my love this way.

Today, St. Petrick’s Day, is the two-year anniversary of our first IVF BFN. What a soul-crushing day that was. I still remember being so hopeful during our first IVF. I was in shock that we needed it, but had not really internalized the fact that many IVFs do not work. I was doing IVF, I would get pg, and nine months later I’d have a family. Even though I’d POAS during my 2ww, I thought it was just “too early.” I was so innocent. I had even told my husband I didn’t want to do another IVF because it had been so hard on me physically. Mentally and emotionally, too.

But I quickly realized nothing was as hard on me as the idea of being childless forever. The idea of being a never family.

I very quickly came to realize I would be doing IVF again, and again if necessary. I never did realize I’d still be doing them two years later.

I wonder what life will be like two years from today. I am afraid to think about it.

The title of this post is funny considering the last post was about losing the letter to my body — and it was no love letter. It was more like a poison pen letter. I may try to recreate that. But first, here’s the update on my FET cycle.

 Thursday I had my mock transfer. They also measured the endometrium and did an SIS (saline sonogram) to make sure there were no polyps loitering around in there. Also, I met with the financial people and paid them their $2,000 and with the IVF coordinator and nailed down details of timing, meds, etc. There was a lot to do so I knew it would be a long appointment.

But I didn’t know I’d be wearing the speculum for about an hour!

I have mentioned in this space before that I have a history of difficult transfers. It’s a large part of my diagnosis: crappy cervix=bad transfer=bfn. So I knew it wouldn’t be easy. And oh, I was right. I get all undressed and on the table in a very small exam room. The doc was in there, the nurse was just outside. I was asked if I’d permit two med students to “observe” the procedure. I figured enough people had seen me in this position that a couple more wouldn’t hurt. (Although, a few minutes before, on the consent forms I’d just signed, I had agreed to accept blood transfusions is necessary but NOT to allow “video or photography for training purposes” during my real transfer in the hospital. So, live action yes, photos no.) And Mike was there. It was pretty crowded.

We then proceeded to go through every freaking catheter ever made in the attempt to get one all the way through my poor twisty little cervix. The nurse came in and began rummaging through her inventory. “This one? How about this one? I have this kind…” If we’d been out shopping for shoes it would’ve been great. But I don’t need this many options in catheters. I had no idea there were so many different kinds, none of which fit correctly up, in, and through my — ahem. Yeah.

So the doc decides this would all be simpler if we turn on the ultrasound machine that’s right next to me and do abdominal u/s to guide him. Great idea, should’ve thought of it before. Like, before they made me empty my bladder. So, I sit up, the med students are dispatched to get me some cups of water, I drink it down all whiel thinking it wuld probably be faster if someone would run across the street and get me a large McDonald’s sweet tea, THAT stuff goes straight to my bladder in seconds.

Soon we are back in business, with ultrasound. But — the picture is not very good. I’m sure it would be good enough under most circumstances, but my cervix is not most people’s, and it just wasn’t happening. So he decides we need to go across the hall to the space-age u/s machine, which is under the care of an ultrasound pioneer, Anna Parsons, who he says invented the saline sonogram procedure. Sounds good to me. Do I want to get dressed or just wrap up to go down the hall? I opt for wrapping up because it’s faster and I just want this to be done. So Mike grabs all my clothes, I grab the back of the drape, the med students take my water glasses, and we are off.

The doctor consoles me: “At least you are an interesting patient.” Seeing that I am less than thrilled by this idea, he admits: “I am sure you’d rather be boring and pregnant.” Actually, I’d like to be boring and in possession of a live baby, but close enough. I do not correct him.

The new ultrasound room is super nice. Large machine, looks like it could fly the space shuttle, lots of shelves lined neatly with medical supplies, but very homey — some are in little handmade, quilted bags. There’s a long pillow shaped like a trout (or a bass or a pike, what do I know about fish?) for me to put behind my head, so I hop on the table eager to sleep with the fishes for a little while. (I am all about the cheap humor. See how you get by your fifth IVF, med students?)

We get all settled again and Anna Parsons comes in to operate the ultrasound, and she is pressing REALLY hard on my abdomen. She asks if I had a good lunch, I’m like uh, yeah, I went out for Thai, is that a problem? No, but she needs to move my bowels, so sorry she has to press so hard. Wow, I didn’t know someone could move my bowels for me, from outside. This is the weirdest IVF appointment ever.

They mess around with a few more catheters and finally decide they’ve found The One. The mock is done; on to the saline infusion. He warns me it is going to cramp a lot starting… right… now! But it’s not too bad. I guess after all the other digging around in there, plus the three extra-strength advil I took a while ago, it doesn’t seem bad at all. What was worse was I guess I was more nervous than I realized because my legs started cramping up and shaking violently in the stirrups and it was all I could do to relax them and hold still.

Eventually we could could see a perfect view of my anatomy on the screen. It looked exactly like those vaguely triangle-shaped diagrams of the female anatomy you see in high school health textbooks. And the doctor pronounced: “You have a beautiful uterus. … I bet you’ve never been told that, have you?”

“Actually,” I said, “I have been told that before by other doctors. But I bet you all say that to all the girls.”

Roar of laughter from all in the room. It’s a big roar, what with the doc, the nurse, Anna, the two med students, Mike, and me. He says no, they have seen some pretty ugly uteruses (uteri?) before, but mine is beautiful, no polyps, looks great in there. Meanwhile, Ms. Ultrasound Queen is still peering into the screen. Oh look, says she, she has a wrinkle in her tube.

I have a WRINKLE in my tube?

Oh it’s nothing, don’t worry about it. It’s just the way you are…..

I have a WRINKLED TUBE?

But they’ve moved on, the saline is drained, everything is removed, and I’m left to get dressed. The med students thank me and I tell them I hope I’ve helped them. They assure me I have. I’ll bet. I bet they run screaming from infertility and become nice little anesthesiologists or something.

On the way to the car I inform Mike that on the way home he is to find a Steak & Shake and get me a large chocolate shake with hot fudge. After what I’ve been through today, I deserve it. He agrees, and though it takes some driving around (new clinic is in Tampa, rather far from our home), he does. I ride home curled in the seat feeling very sorry for my poor cervix and slurping happily on my hot fudge shake.

By the time we get home, I think I am feeling much better. But I proceed to pass out on the couch for an hour. I wake up long enough to eschew dinner and go back to sleep. That was a lot of stress on the body AND mind. Not to mention — wearing a speculum for that long is TIRING. It’s like one of those challenges on Survivor where they have to balance on one foot while holding a bucket of water above their head for an hour.

Friday I am slammed working on a big project and still so tired I can barely sit up in my chair. I sleep in Saturday morning, and now — Mike’s family is here from Kansas and Colorado for a week’s visit. I have a few vacation days, and I am READY for them. (The vacation I meant, but the family is nice too.)

The family visit is a large part of the reason we are holding off on the real tansfer until next month. We are all systems go, I start estrace again on CD2, which will be around the first of the month (convenient). We’ll measure the lining on or about April 13, start Crinone gel around the 15th, and have a tentative tx set for April 18 or so.

I am going to post this without proofreading (sorry) and go watch the sunset on the beach. Because I can.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!

I was just working on a letter to my body. I got a little worked up and hit a couple of keys at once and managed to delete almost the whole freaking thing. I want to cry. I’ll never be able to reproduce it.

Why should that be a surprise? I have been trying for years to reproduce without success. Body, this is just one more cruel joke on me, isn’t it? Bitch!